I am new to this and I don’t know if this will help me in some way, but I will try.
Where to begin? For 2+years I have felt this overwhelming depression.Every day I contemplate suicide.Every day I have to tell myself to just put one foot in front of the other. I honestly don’t know whats wrong with me anymore. I don’t even have a bad life.You could even say my life was the American dream. Big white house, suburban area, small developing town, nuclear family. My parents are employed and they make rather decent paychecks. I’m only 17. From what I gather I am seen as rather attractive. I’m intelligent and capable of whatever I set my mind to. As conceited as that statement is, it is nonetheless true.My parents divorced when I was young. None of that bothered me though, if my parents want to fight its what they choose to do. I just can’t find the reason I hate everything. Some days it’s worse than others.Much worse. So much so that I have been hospitalized twice. My parents are not really involved in my life. Some would say that could be the origin of my depression, but I have always been a loner and I see that as my fault. Me being a loner is mainly because I am perfectly fine with doing things alone.
Nothing holds any value to me anymore. Nothing at all. I don’t care for women, or school, or games.I don’t see a point. I see everything thats happening around me and I could care less. It’s as if I am surrounded by a bubble or a fog cloud.I see life most of the time as a pain, a job, a chore. I don’t sleep much, I have chronic insomnia. During the time that I am alone and awake at night I find the urge to just end it all and it is unbearable. I don’t know what to do.I had a beautiful girlfriend last year. Absolutely perfect for me.She even came to me, I was a fat junior walking around the halls like a ghost and out of nowhere this beautiful senior walked up to me and told me I was beautiful. I of course did not think so. After a while we started dating. I was the envy of every guy in school. She really was something else, but nothing lasts forever. 2 months into our relationship one of my oldest and best friends died. I was already depressed but that just sent me spiraling down down down. We were practically brothers. If she wasn’t there to stop me,bring me back to reality, that would have been the end. Slowly but surely life lost its luster to me. Sex, Parties, Friends, video games, martial arts, nothing held any value. I began going days without sleep.Went from 165 pounds of fat to 140 in 6 weeks. I had high days, then the next day would be a super low. I broke up with her around the 4 month period. Worst mistake I have ever made. It’s like they say, you never know what you have till its gone. That was 9 months ago. I dropped out of my life altogether. I am no longer a model student or son. I lost most of my friends seeing as I spoke to no one. I honestly have no clue whatsoever as to how I have made it this far. For weeks I was in such a low place I couldn’t believe it. Like I said before I was hospitalized twice for attempted suicide and it was during this period. Nothing helps. Therapy is so dull. I just tell them what they want to hear.Fake the emotions recovering persons are to show. Nothing has changed and I am afraid that soon I shall act again upon my depression and I shall not fail a third time. If you have any advice or questions please post. As of right now I am neutral, I am numb. So don’t worry at the moment.
side note- my parents are shielding my siblings from my attempts and I try to act normal around them. I know killing myself would haunt them forever, but if I do get past this then I feel its better that they do not know.I have no clue as to what the repercussions Â would be.