I just don’t know what to do anymore. No matter what I try to do, either my social fears or my own lack of confidence conspires to ruin my plans. I can’t drive, I get paranoid of crashes. I can’t get a job, no one will hire me due to my lack of work history and my nervousness during the interview (on the rare circumstance that I get one). No matter what I try to do, it always seems to fail in the end.
Maybe that old quote I read is right, perhaps my only purpose is to serve as a warning to others. If I can’t get a job, I can’t support myself. Even though it’s supposed to be optional, people look down on you if you can’t drive in this day and age. And, at this point, it’s become obvious that neither of these things are going to be fixed. I’ve been trying for so long, and I’m tired of expending the effort only to end up banging my head against the wall.
I was born premature, and barely survived. Sometimes I wonder if I was supposed to die back then, and the reason my life is such a complete and utter wreck is that fate has no idea what to do with me since no plan was ever written out. Perhaps no matter what I do, no matter how much effort I expend, I won’t ever be able to fix things. Perhaps I’ve been striving for a future that isn’t there to find.
I know I shouldn’t be this way, I know I shouldn’t think like this, but perhaps it’s time to push the button. Suicide is life’s emergency escape pod, and maybe it’s time to launch. I’ve been a burden to everyone around me for so long now, they say they don’t mind but I can see it in their eyes and the way they act. Maybe it would be for the best, just being a burden one final time.