Reading people wanting to die, it reminded me. I want to die. NOW. I can’t find a good painless way to go at it, but I’ll keep trying. I’ll go in a month and a half, with or without a good method. I’m sure people have seen me around here and never fully understood my whole story or hear some of it, but I’ll rant and tell a bit of it. I have mentioned my story in older posts, which no one probably read.
I’m sad and suicidal for so many reasons. Some of them can be considered so idiotic and stupid by others. But today, as I saw my exgf happy as she ignored me and doesn’t care about if I live or die, I realized again, she’s just like the others in my life.Â
Her lines: “I’ll love you forever. I’ll be with you always. I understand you. It’s fate that brought us together. Please marry me soon. I can’t live without you. You’re my everything. I can’t live without you. Without you, I’ll kill myself or die off in depression. I need you. I want to be your wife. I always think of you and miss you when you’re not with me. You’re always on my mind. You’re the only one for me. I’ll be yours forever.”Â
I took all her words and burned them into my heart and soul. And then after hearing those words every single day and night for over 7-8 months, she left me. The week before she did, we were still lovey dovey and loving each other then suddenly she said she doesn’t want to be with me cause she “didn’t have time” for me. Yet, she has time to go online to talk to her friends or invite friends over for sleepovers. She doesnt care if I die. She ignored me for over a month and is fine and happy. She left me coldly, and after she made me lose all my friends too. The only friends I had left were girls, what was left of the many friends I had. She didn’t like me talking to other girls and wanted me for herself, so I had to give them up. She said she would be with me always, so I believe it. I revolved my world around her. I was always there for her. I managed to make her happy. Then when she is, she left me. I have no one in my life. I have nothing. I tried moving on and loving another girl, but it did not work. Today, I saw her smiling and happy. Then even on her facebook, she put up a picture of her smiling… she was against putting pictures of herself up for so long.. she only used icons. It crushed my soul. It reminded me of all the happy times I was with her and how she just left me. I never mistreated her. I always appreciated and loved her. She was with someone who ignored and didn’t care about her before, so she said she was lucky to be with me. But it was all lies.
She’s one of the reasons I want to die so much. I have more, but this is what led me to this point. Why am I stupid for not moving on even though there are other fish in the sea? it’s because I truly loved her and the things she said to me everyday tatooed itself in my heart and soul. I’m stupid.
I planned on killing myself over the summer if I can’t find a good way to die, but I’m moving my plans up. Seeing her happy and smiling was just the trigger that started making things go earlier. I’ll be around for a month and a half more if anyone needs me. I’ll help you and carry your burdens to hell with me, so you can be happy instead.
IF ANYONE KNOWS A PAINLESS, SUCESSFUL METHOD TO DIE THAT IS ACCESSIBLE, PLEASE… PLEASE TELL ME… I’ll FOREVER BE GRATEFUL AND APPRECIATE YOUR ASSISTANCE.