Here’s my story.
I grew up with my mom, dad and 3 siblings. I remember my parents loving each other once but it didn’t last long. They stayed together because of us children. I really don’t remember much from my childhood. I know there were happy times but I have no memory of them. What I do remember is dad banging moms head into the wall, mom sleeping on the couch every night, arguing etc.
I have an older brother who ever since i can remember beat me up. I believe he would be classified as a psychopath, would he ever see a therapist. He beat up my younger brother too and we automatically joined forces – I had a really strong bond with my baby brother. We were like twins.
When I was 10 my older brother started abusing me sexually too. He would force me to have intercourse whenever my parents weren’t home. I was so scared of him and actually believed that he would one day kill me. Once he made my kid brother, who was 8 at the time, watch while he raped me. He told us that we would be sent to jail if we ever told anyone – so we didn’t. This was when my depression kicked in and i first started having suicide thoughts.
When i was 14 i was enrolled at a boarding school (this is pretty common in Denmark where I’m from) and I met the love of my life. I’ll call him O. In spite of being in love with this wonderful young man, I still have suicide thoughts and I started hurting myself in different ways. We had been together for 1Â½ years, when my parents decided to divorce. My mom had found another man and was moving into his house. I decided that i didn’t want to go with my mom, living in a house with a man I had never met, so I ended up living with my dad and older brother. My baby brother went with my mom. It was a horrible time in my life – stuck with my abusive brother and torn away from my beloved baby brother. I broke up with O, and started dating a real looser. This is when I for the first time get treatment for my depression. I started on anti-depressants an saw a shrink a couple of times. It didn’t help and I quit after a short period. A year went and I got back together with O. My baby brother moves in with my dad, my older brother has moved far away and I’m living on my own. The happiest period of my life. Finally I got my baby brother close to me.
21 years old I had already dropped out of university twice and was kind of lost. At this time I’d been together with O for 2 years (3Â½ if you count the first time too) and we had a great relationship, except for the fact that I have a tendency to screw up everything that is good in my life. I’m a cold and emotionless girlfriend. I’m kind of happy, i think, until out of the blue my baby brother kills himself. I loose it and end up on a psych ward for a couple of weeks. I’m offered free help from a psychologist and I’m back on anti-depressants. Still not helping. O moves in with me a couple of months later. We can’t make it work. I’m morbidly depressed and a bad girlfriend. I know I love O, but I don’t want to be intimate with him in any way. 363 days after my brothers death, I break up with O again – this is 2 weeks ago today. At first it’s a relieve to get out of a dysfunctional relationship, and I’m really psyched about meeting other men. 3 days ago I realized that I’ve only made things worse. I love O from the bottom of my heart and he truly is the love of my life. 5 years in total we’ve been together. Yesterday I told him that I made a mistake and didn’t want to live with out him – he told me that he don’t love me anymore.
23 years old and I’ve already screwed up my life and pushed my one and only away from me.
It hurts so bad and I’m not able to eat or sleep. I’ve been living on Coke and booze for the past 7 days and I’m worn out.
What’s worth living for? I haven’t spoken with my mom for 5 years, my relationship to my dad has always been bad and we don’t speak much, I have no friends (I’m not kidding – I’m not capable of being close to or trust anyone unless I have know them for years), the two people I’ve ever loved and trusted has left me, I have a “college” degree but in Denmark thats not enough to get a good job and since I have failed to get through university twice I will have difficulties getting accepted again.
I screwed up and I’m going to die alone. So lost and hurt. Don’t want to wake up tomorrow.