Well I obviously hate my life… I go back and forth between the thought of committing suicide and the thought of running away. I’d rather run away but I have nowhere to go and nothing to follow… so I guess the only option I have is to kill myself.
It’s nothing spontaneous, I’ve felt suicidal for the past 5-6 years of my life… since the time my brother got sick and died. He was 14 years older than me and was in the military. At that time he was around 20 yrs old, I was very little. One day he just fainted at work and after a thorough analysis we found out he had cancer. He tried chemo and all sorts of treatments but he was terminally ill. My family struggled a lot, along with him. They tried to shelter me, I guess, because they’d avoid any kind of cancer-related conversation around me but I could see my brother was getting worse, coughing up blood and becoming more and more pale and thinner. When he died he was so skinny, he was literally only bones and skin. I remember my mom telling me not to look at his face in the coffin but I did it anyway.. that image haunted me for several nights in a row. Me and my dad lost faith in god afterward… I had to blame someone for taking my brother away from me and the only person I found guilty was god. If at some point in my life I had my doubts regarding god’s existence, now I’m sure he doesn’t exist. So I don’t believe in any kind of afterlife, heaven or hell, reincarnation or any other similar crap.
I was a socially retarded child, I had good grades in school… I didn’t learn because I wanted to. No, I would learn because if I didn’t get high grades my mom would beat the shit out of me. She hit me so bad I couldn’t sit down for days when I was little and couldn’t write cursive like the rest of the pupils. The first time I tried committing suicide was when I got a 9 (in my country 10 is the highest grade) at literature. I was so afraid of my mom beating me up that I thought it would be easier if I killed myself so I tried jumping out the window but some men across my building talked me out of it. I was 14 yrs old at that time. I got into the best high-school in my town and made my parents so happy. My mom stopped hitting me. The thoughts of committing suicide, however,did not leave my mind.I tried overdosing and cutting my veins but never had the guts..
I had my happy moments in life but if I were to sum them up and compare them to all the bad moments, the balance would lean in favor of the shitty moments… I’ve never felt complete in all my life, I could never feel content with what I have. My family is kind of poor so money has always brought heated arguments between us, we barely make ends meet… My goal in life would be to make enough money to move to England and bring my parents with me, to travel around the world, pay for a better life for my parents because I feel like I own them for having brought me up.
Now when I’m in my last year in high-school, I’m having trouble hanging in. I want to go to med school and I’m learning so much for it, I want to get in so badly but I’m afraid I’ll never pass my end of high-school exams, because of math. I never liked math and it became harder for me to understand it so now I run the risk of failing the exam.. I’ll never get to take the admission exam to med school if I can’t pass at math.
I have so many other problems on the side… I’m anti-social and I don’t think I have true friends, I just can’t keep them… I have trouble being in relationships longer than a few months. I hate the human kind, I wish everybody died and left the planet to animals.. I feel a bit of satisfaction whenever I see the news and find out about people who died… It’s like with every person that’s dead, there’s more room for animals. I have a soft spot for animals. I’ll cry my heart out if I see something happening to any kind of animal. I only truly care about my parents and it hurts so much to disappoint them and I’m afraid of doing it. I think a lesser disappointment would be to kill myself rather than see their faces when I fail at math…
I have a plan: I’m going to live until after the simulation (there’s an admission exam simulation for med school, before the exam at math). I’m going to get a grade as high as I can, I’m going to make my parents so proud of me. Then I’ll commit suicide so they won’t be disappointed when I don’t pass at math. I think this is the best situation. I would never make it in life anyway, I don’t have that much ambition, I’m quite feeble even though I try to come off as strong.
Having said this, I feel a bit of relief… I still wish there were other ways and I still wish I had somewhere to run away to but I guess some people are just meant to take their lives away, I guess I’m one of them…it’s sort of like winning the lottery, there are so many people playing and only a few chances to win, I guess I won the chance to kill myself.