So… I’m on four medications.
Celexa, Seroquel, Topomax and Tradozone.
Those are for depression, anxiety, psychosis, and migraines/mood stabilizer.
(Psychosis is having hallucinations/voices but not being able to establish them from reality, or not. Or so I’m told by my psychiatrist.)
Today, I feel my meds aren’t working. At all.
I feel depressed, suicidal, I’m seeing spiders, the man I usually see, and bloody needles everywhere, etc.
I also have urges to cut, drink, smoke, etc…
My mother wants to send me back to the hospital.
But to residential. That’s “long-term”. I’d stay for /months/. :c
Everything is going wrong.
I thought my mom wanted to help me, I thought she cared.
But she started drinking again.
She wants the “old” me back.
The “old” me never went away, things just… changed.
I can’t understand why she can’t just accept me.
I’m me.. I’m just.. Fuck.
I’m fat. I’m ugly. I’m unintelligent, and rather.. bothersome.
Why should I live?
Just to be a bore to my family, who, by the way, do not trust me.
They think I’m a poser, an “emo”..
(Apparently my Â aunt did “research”)
Yeah, way to go, supportive family, eh? :/
My twin brother is druggie, and has no clue who I am.
My elder sister, whom is eighteen…
She ignores me. I’ve asked for her support, but…
She’s pushed me away.
Yeah, that fucking hurt.
My “real” father is a rapist.
I hate him.
My step-father is okay, but… I have no idea who he is, either.
He doesn’t know me well, at all.
I don’t even know who I am.
At the hospital, I was happy.
I came back, and now the meds stopped?
I hate looking in the mirror. It kills me.
I’m trying to diet, exercise, etc..
But nothing seems to work…
My “life” isn’t.. worth “living”.
Why am I quoting those?
I have a fear of reality.
I fear it’s not real.
And if it is real, my decisions I’ve made have made so many people hate me, and hate themselves. How could I?
I’m a mistake.
I feel like anÂ imbecile for writing this..
I’m going to go get high with my brother now.
Hopefully it makes everything go away for a while.
I don’t know what to do…
I’m crying. I’ll wipe my eyes..
And I’ll be smiling soon…