So… I’m on four medications.
Celexa, Seroquel, Topomax and Tradozone.
Those are for depression, anxiety, psychosis, and migraines/mood stabilizer.
(Psychosis is having hallucinations/voices but not being able to establish them from reality, or not. Or so I’m told by my psychiatrist.)
Today, I feel my meds aren’t working. At all.
I feel depressed, suicidal, I’m seeing spiders, the man I usually see, and bloody needles everywhere, etc.
I also have urges to cut, drink, smoke, etc…
I…
My mother wants to send me back to the hospital.
But to residential. That’s “long-term”. I’d stay for /months/. :c
Everything is going wrong.
I thought my mom wanted to help me, I thought she cared.
But she started drinking again.
Hypocrite.
She wants the “old” me back.
The “old” me never went away, things just… changed.
I can’t understand why she can’t just accept me.
I’m me.. I’m just.. Fuck.
I’m fat. I’m ugly. I’m unintelligent, and rather.. bothersome.
Why should I live?
Just to be a bore to my family, who, by the way, do not trust me.
They think I’m a poser, an “emo”..
(Apparently my  aunt did “research”)
Yeah, way to go, supportive family, eh? :/
My twin brother is druggie, and has no clue who I am.
My elder sister, whom is eighteen…
She ignores me. I’ve asked for her support, but…
She’s pushed me away.
Yeah, that fucking hurt.
My “real” father is a rapist.
I hate him.
My step-father is okay, but… I have no idea who he is, either.
He doesn’t know me well, at all.
I don’t even know who I am.
At the hospital, I was happy.
I came back, and now the meds stopped?
Hell.
I hate looking in the mirror. It kills me.
I’m trying to diet, exercise, etc..
But nothing seems to work…
My “life” isn’t.. worth “living”.
Why am I quoting those?
I have a fear of reality.
I fear it’s not real.
And if it is real, my decisions I’ve made have made so many people hate me, and hate themselves. How could I?
I’m a mistake.
I feel like an imbecile for writing this..
I…
I’m going to go get high with my brother now.
Hopefully it makes everything go away for a while.
I don’t know what to do…
I’m crying. I’ll wipe my eyes..
And I’ll be smiling soon…
Bbye…
3 comments
Ouch. Sounds like a tough life.
I hope you meet people who are whole enough to be able to help and support you. Helping you take drugs, medical or otherwise, is only going to make matters worse.
I suggest you get out of this dangerous zone and find people who care. Is there anyone good you can trust? Perhaps things would improve if you could find someone to help you out of this muck… the drugs, the alcohol, the pain… It’s a vicious cycle. Drugs can only make matters worse in the long run. Sure, your mom might be a hypocrite, but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to quit anyway, to prove that you’re better than that.
Don’t take the cruel words of others to heart. You’re not a poser. You’re not ugly. If others won’t accept you, then at least accept yourself. People who put you down constantly are not worth a second glance.
You’re too young to die. Please try to find help and try to help yourself the best you can. And please hold on.
Good luck. I’ll pray for you.
I’m going back to the hospital..
It is up to you to ask for the right help…..you don’t want to spend a lifetime seeing Psychiatrists,Meds and Hospitals