He didn’t text me like he said he would. He was the one who wanted to try and remain friends, but why is it do i still feel like i am the only one fighting for this? i accepted his decision, but when i went to enforce my side of the deal, he faltered. Four years burned away by one simple crush. Four years of constant wishes for each others embrace. Yet that means nothing, nothing at all to him. “It doesn’t matter.” How can it not matter when you are the one who wont let me go? You said you didn’t want me, yet when i said my final good bye, you begged me to stay. Now you are removed from my life entirely. Why give me these mix signals if in the end “it doesn’t matter”? So drained from this shit, i can’t even feel the pain that i know will arise in my sleep. Why does he haunt my dreams night and day? Why do i still love him when i know he most likely does not deserve me? Why does my heart still pound in my chest and my stomach gets butterflies when my phone rings or vibrates? I know it wouldn’t be him calling or texting me. It would never be that man who poured that acid on my soul. Then why do i still live each day in hopes of his return? I want to give up, but I can’t. I’m not lost, i have plenty to do, but my selfish side is still throwing tantrums over his absence.
What happened to me?
3 comments
What happened to you is the most natural, normal thing in the world after a breakup. The breakups affect people to extremely different degrees depending on a myriad of circumstances, the structure of personality, his-her sensitivity, etc. For most of us, it represents an awful blow, the worse the older you get (as you have less chances left), so there are strong emotional ties linked to the existence of the other person. The input that you received from him in the past made you feel the wonders of love, and the withdrawal is experienced with that much strength but with negative effects.
The fact that he begged you to stay after he left you points to an extremely common (and disastrous) flaw in our personalities, that make us start relationships not out of pure and mature love, but out of the need to satisfy our needs. (companionship, tenderness, sex, dialog, entertainment, etc etc) I dont want to mean that he has acted with malice, because that happens in 95% of the relationships you see around (even though you may think “look at that happy couple”)
I am not surprised that you are here because of this experience, but fortunately you sound to me like very healthy emotionally and not perturbed. You are reacting the right and natural way, thinking about those things. However, my prediction, and I hope that I am not wrong, is that as time goes by, you will feel again perfectly alright, because your “whole you” is already working towards recovery, even though you are now experiencing lows of sadness.
I think it would help to distanciate yourself from mobile phones or chances for him to hound you as that stirs the feelings again.
best greetings
O
Thank you, i was simply venting. I am really healthy emotionally. Thank you for further explaining my state to me 🙂
i had a lost love as well, his name is keifer, ohhh, the name just gives me shivers… i loved him but he said that we should just be friends and then he to ld me to fuck off, and now hes in jail for selling and using drugs, hes only 17, and im turning 16 in three days, but i still love him. everything that you wrote, i am feeling. wow! i thoght i was the only one dealing with this shit! thx @latika.