Today I went running and like usual my thoughts began to wonder about life and death.Â What I couldn’t figure out is why I haven’t summoned the courage to kill myself yet.
Yes, I hate myself.Â Yes, I am in pain all the time.Â Yes, nothing makes the pain go away.Â Yes, I have no hope.
So then why the hell can I NOT kill myself?
The only reason I could come up with is that I am not at peace with myself or my life.Â Even though life is burning agony, I am not at peace with myself.Â I have accepted my life is hell, but I have not accepted the person I am yet.Â Until I accept this “new” me, death seems frightful.Â I do not want to die without knowing the person I am, even if it is a shitty person I discover I am.Â
Death will only feel right when I fully know the “new” me.Â And then it would seem like my mind would have clarity and that maybe I would consider getting professional help.Â I don’t know…
What reasons keep you guys living to the next morning?