Today I went running and like usual my thoughts began to wonder about life and death. What I couldn’t figure out is why I haven’t summoned the courage to kill myself yet.
Yes, I hate myself. Yes, I am in pain all the time. Yes, nothing makes the pain go away. Yes, I have no hope.
So then why the hell can I NOT kill myself?
The only reason I could come up with is that I am not at peace with myself or my life. Even though life is burning agony, I am not at peace with myself. I have accepted my life is hell, but I have not accepted the person I am yet. Until I accept this “new” me, death seems frightful. I do not want to die without knowing the person I am, even if it is a shitty person I discover I am.Â
Death will only feel right when I fully know the “new” me. And then it would seem like my mind would have clarity and that maybe I would consider getting professional help. I don’t know…
What reasons keep you guys living to the next morning?
5 comments
My only reason now is it’s not the right date, i have things to finalise before i do anything.
My reason is to meet new people. I have isolated myself from people for too long, and I feel if i continue to do so that it would be my final regret when i die because there is that fleeting possibility that i can find love once more, or it can find me.
What keeps me going is that I dont know the reason for my existence yet. Feels like there is something unfinished prickling. Unknown. I mean, the little person inside my head tells me that if I am here, in this time and age, there must be a reason behind it…but that reason eludes me so far..
I hate waking up in the morning, hate know that i have to face another day. I haven’t done it yet because i know how much its going to upset my family, and i don’t even like them, but i still dont want to hurt them.
The reason I’m still alive is that I’m researching and working on the best suicide method for me. Being a survivor of two suicide attempts I want to make sure the next time works. I don’t want a botched attempt that leaves my life in an even worse situation- like brain damage or paralysis. I also want to make sure certain things are in place and taken care of before I go.
I recommend reading Final Exit. It gives great advise on peaceful self-termination and making sure everything is in place before you go.