For the last few weeks I’ve visited this site frequently. So much pain. Now I feel like telling my story. It’s not an actual story, more a state of existence. I want to die. I think about death and suicide every day, and I feel no urge to do anything. It’s like live is fading away inside me, leaving nothing but emptiness. It started about 2 years ago. I was thinking about live and purpose and stuff like that. That somehow drove me into depression an suicidal feelings. It didn’t take long until I changed my mind. If I’m going to die anyway, I might as well do whatever I want. So I did, and it somehow made my happy. I was seeing a therapist a couple of times. He told me, if I went through life always considering suicide an option, my life would become empty and void. I didn’t get it back than but thats exactly what happened. Things have been going down hill again.
To be honest, I don’t think I have an objective reason to die. I have a caring family, I’m healthy, my childhood was happy, I’m rather intelligent, I plan to start studying physics next autumn. I’m just tired of life. I don’t have many friends, and I have little luck with girls. I find it difficult to establish a social network because of my general attitude towards people. I hate people. My age group tends to spend life only drinking and fucking around, having no prospect whatsoever. An attitude I can’t share. I fact, I’m a misanthropist. The majority of earth’s population consists of incompetent, ignorant, corrupt assholes, flaws of evolution. How can you have a brain, such a complex and powerful construct, with all its potential, and just decide not to use it?! Most of the time I spend as an outsider; because I don’t want to be “normal”, don’t want to be one of “them”. Beneath the hate I have love to give, but I can’t. Besides that, I have developed an aggressive, (auto-)destructive behavior. I would never randomly beat someone up, like others do, that’s primitive. But sometimes I would like to kill everyone. I’ve started cutting myself. To see the blood flow. It makes me laugh every time. From time to time I feel this blood thirst, than i just want to spill some, no matter where it comes from, want to bath in it and weird shit like that. Death just fascinates me. So I want to extinguish all people on this planet, that spread like a disease, and it disgusts me to be one of them.
But than again, my nihilistic tendencies hold me down. Nothing matters anyway, I could end it all right now. I’m to weak to do anything. Whenever such a phase of rage is over, I have no power or motivation. I have given up all my hobbies. Most of the time I’m just lying on my bed, maybe listening to music. I’m tired all the time, no matter how long I sleep. I wish I could just fall asleep and never wake up again. People keep telling me it would get better if I did something, get a hobby or go out with friends. And I acknowledge that and appreciate that they try to help me. But I don’t find the strength to do anything. I don’t even answer most of my mails anymore. What’s the point anyway?
I’m still going to school most of the time. But I’m getting worse. I want to see lots of interesting places, want to travel around; but at the same time I hate it all and feel to depressed to change anything. This ambivalence keeps my mind occupied the whole time. I cant concentrate during the lessons. I just go there. Tired. Avoid talking to anyone. I’m also busy with gathering problems around me. I leave lessons too early and things like that. Like that I work my way through all kinds of disciplinary measures. I don’t know why I feel the need of doing so. Maybe because I might get expelled at the end. One part of me doesn’t want that, the other hopes for it because I would possibly ruin my academic career, making suicide more imminent.
I’m getting closer to the void. An incredible source of power. I already feel free to do whatever I want, regardless of what others think. I guess this is what keeps me alive. But it also weakens me. I don’t have any purpose that way. I’m becoming one of those without prospect, that do more harm than good, those I hate so much. And I’m growing sick of this paradox, of thinking how to improve my situation. Sometimes I sit on the floor holding a kitchen knife to my throat. I don’t know if I could end my life like that. I’m afraid I might not manage to ram the knife into me deep enough to be lethal, the human body is able to sustain and cure incredibly damage. If I survived that, well, that would suck. But I want my death to be brutal and bloody and permanent. I somehow want to go outside and start killing people until they shot me in order to stop me. But I have never killed someone before and If I killed like 2 people before they get me, that would suck as well.
I don’t know why I’m writing this text, which is getting rather long. I don’t know what you think of it, and it doesn’t matter anyway. At least I was doing something for a certain time. And it feels good to know that there are people out there with an open heart. I wish you all the best.