For the last few weeks I’ve visited this site frequently. So much pain. Now I feel like telling my story. It’s not an actual story, more a state of existence. I want to die. I think about death and suicide every day, and I feel no urge to do anything. It’s like live is fading away inside me, leaving nothing but emptiness. It started about 2 years ago. I was thinking about live and purpose and stuff like that. That somehow drove me into depression an suicidal feelings. It didn’t take long until I changed my mind. If I’m going to die anyway, I might as well do whatever I want. So I did, and it somehow made my happy. I was seeing a therapist a couple of times. He told me, if I went through life always considering suicide an option, my life would become empty and void. I didn’t get it back than but thats exactly what happened. Things have been going down hill again.
To be honest, I don’t think I have an objective reason to die. I have a caring family, I’m healthy, my childhood was happy, I’m rather intelligent, I plan to start studying physics next autumn. I’m just tired of life. I don’t have many friends, and I have little luck with girls. I find it difficult to establish a social network because of my general attitude towards people. I hate people. My age group tends to spend life only drinking and fucking around, having no prospect whatsoever. An attitude I can’t share. I fact, I’m a misanthropist. The majority of earth’s population consists of incompetent, ignorant, corrupt assholes, flaws of evolution. How can you have a brain, such a complex and powerful construct, with all its potential, and just decide not to use it?! Most of the time I spend as an outsider; because I don’t want to be “normal”, don’t want to be one of “them”. Beneath the hate I have love to give, but I can’t. Besides that, I have developed an aggressive, (auto-)destructive behavior. I would never randomly beat someone up, like others do, that’s primitive. But sometimes I would like to kill everyone. I’ve started cutting myself. To see the blood flow. It makes me laugh every time. From time to time I feel this blood thirst, than i just want to spill some, no matter where it comes from, want to bath in it and weird shit like that. Death just fascinates me. So I want to extinguish all people on this planet, that spread like a disease, and it disgusts me to be one of them.
But than again, my nihilistic tendencies hold me down. Nothing matters anyway, I could end it all right now. I’m to weak to do anything. Whenever such a phase of rage is over, I have no power or motivation. I have given up all my hobbies. Most of the time I’m just lying on my bed, maybe listening to music. I’m tired all the time, no matter how long I sleep. I wish I could just fall asleep and never wake up again. People keep telling me it would get better if I did something, get a hobby or go out with friends. And I acknowledge that and appreciate that they try to help me. But I don’t find the strength to do anything. I don’t even answer most of my mails anymore. What’s the point anyway?
I’m still going to school most of the time. But I’m getting worse. I want to see lots of interesting places, want to travel around; but at the same time I hate it all and feel to depressed to change anything. This ambivalence keeps my mind occupied the whole time. I cant concentrate during the lessons. I just go there. Tired. Avoid talking to anyone. I’m also busy with gathering problems around me. I leave lessons too early and things like that. Like that I work my way through all kinds of disciplinary measures. I don’t know why I feel the need of doing so. Maybe because I might get expelled at the end. One part of me doesn’t want that, the other hopes for it because I would possibly ruin my academic career, making suicide more imminent.
I’m getting closer to the void. An incredible source of power. I already feel free to do whatever I want, regardless of what others think. I guess this is what keeps me alive. But it also weakens me. I don’t have any purpose that way. I’m becoming one of those without prospect, that do more harm than good, those I hate so much. And I’m growing sick of this paradox, of thinking how to improve my situation. Sometimes I sit on the floor holding a kitchen knife to my throat. I don’t know if I could end my life like that. I’m afraid I might not manage to ram the knife into me deep enough to be lethal, the human body is able to sustain and cure incredibly damage. If I survived that, well, that would suck. But I want my death to be brutal and bloody and permanent. I somehow want to go outside and start killing people until they shot me in order to stop me. But I have never killed someone before and If I killed like 2 people before they get me, that would suck as well.
I don’t know why I’m writing this text, which is getting rather long. I don’t know what you think of it, and it doesn’t matter anyway. At least I was doing something for a certain time. And it feels good to know that there are people out there with an open heart. I wish you all the best.
2 comments
I think one of the errors in life is to think too keenly about the purpose of life. I know that i have spent too long trying to figure it out. It has only left me bewildered and confused; for thousands of years philosophers have sort to find meaning and to little or no avail. It is perhaps only human to seek purpose, to look for something greater than mere existence but perhaps existence is indeed the only purpose. Does a rock have purpose ? Does a daffodil exist to greater design or is it only us, humans, the great thinkers, that can not abide existence without design ? Perhaps the purpose in life is just to exist, to live life and do the best that we can. Granted, just living can be difficult and particularly so when we don’t know who the he’ll we are. I don’t.
I am always told that I spend too much time in my head, too much time thinking , and, in thought , too much time prevaricating. I think it is what depressives do. It destroys us. Of course we all die at some point, the universe and time will end some day, but not to do something because there is no infinite future, seems a little pointless. There is always the present and at the end of the day that is all that there ever is. Ask a rock.
“Fiat iustitia, et pereat mundus”