I’ve been thinking of suicide alot lately. Actually… my whole life. I’ve had severe depression since the age of 3. Right now I’m in my mid-30’s. I’ve been on different medicines and tried different kinds of therapy but nothing seems to work. I believe this just might be something I’ll have to live with all my life.
I was born into a very bad situation. Let’s just say that my body betrays me big time. I’ve had a very hard life and have experienced things no one should have to go through. I many times have horrible luck and everything- and I mean everything- is difficult in my life. Everyone tells me life gets better. News flash- it doesn’t. Not for everyone. My future is very dim due to things I can’t change.
I’m not trying to get any pity with this. I’m just laying down the fact that if anyone deserves to end his life it would be me. I’m not going to get into my life story or problems in detail- that’s not what I’m here for.
What I’d like to talk about is other people. I see people post online that they’re suicidal and the “pro-life” crusade begins. These people baffle me for several reasons. I’ll use myself as an example. Let’s say I post online I’m going to kill myself. People will line up saying don’t do it, we’ll miss you and be sad, etc. Why should they even care? They don’t know me at all. My absence from the internet and their life would impact them in no way.
So, why is that the default response? I have some theories. One is that our brains are wired for self-preservation, so people will project that onto others. Another reason is that society has trained us to have that response. I believe another reason is that people do it to make themselves feel better and important. The thought of them “saving” someone’s life fuels their ego and makes their life feel important. Therefore, they help a suicidal only for selfish reasons.
I also love these people’s logic to keep living too. They spew about theories of the afterlife. I’m not a religious man at all. I do believe in God or a higher power, but lately I’ve been questioning that too. I don’t believe in hell or the devil. I’m already living in “hell” and the devil isn’t needed because humans are evil enough for the job. Telling a suicidal he’ll go to hell is nothing more than mind control through fear. This kind of technique is used by those in power to control others.
Then there are the people who say that when you’re dead you cease to exist at all. There is nothingness. I admit I found the thought that when I die my soul is gone and there is nothing pretty scary. However, if I cease to exist I will no longer be around to care about that. Therefore, it won’t bother me.
I’m not sure what happens after death- if we live on or not. And, if we do live on what it’s like. I do know one thing though- I can no longer live this life. Anything- any kind of existence- is better than this. Even if I cease to exist after death having no emotions and no pain is better than the emotions and pain my life gives me.
Then people argue that family and friends will miss you. This is true, but what if I died today from natural causes or an accident? Dead is dead. Does how it happened really matter? The outcome is the same. Some will be sad but life goes on. People will move on, I’ll be replaced and over time will be forgotten in history.
Life is not a gift. We never asked for it or asked for what we’re born into. Human are very powerless and don’t have control over most things. There is one thing- one power- that we all have. That is the power to control our life by ending it if we choose.
I personally believe people who are able to override their instinct and overcome their fears and commit suicide are brave… not weak like society says.