Suicide is out of reach

Hey, I feel bad about posting on here, mostly because im not a druggy or have a particularly bad life. Im a 19 year old college student with a loving family. That being said i do hate myself and have tried to kill myself numerous times. I cut myself every other week or so, always in hidden areas like shoulders or thighs and always disinfected with rubbing alcohol at least 2 times a  day until they heal over. Ive taken every type of anti depressant possible, seen over 20 psychiatrists/councilors and I never seem to feel better. It feels like ive been given so much, but i can do nothing with it. Ive been ‘Diagnosed’ allergic to several different medications because i tried to kill myself with them. Im writing here because i guess, even though ive tried to kill myself i just never could. It would make someones life harder. Even if i didnt have any one who loved me, some one still has to clean up the body. Its just not something i can do. I hope that one day i can give my life for someone else. I dont know why i wrote here. I guess i thought it might help some one or substitute for cutting tonight. Didnt work…