Unfortunately, I am still alive. I am tired of waking up everyday to the same shit. I do the same routine. I stay awake during the night and sleep during the day. I go to work b/c I have to pay bills and my family is struggling financially. I am so close to quitting my job b/c my depression is just getting worse and worse. I’ve tried everything from therapy to counseling including taking medication such as prozac for 4 years. I’ve tried zoloft and celexa as well and all of them never worked. I have come to the conclusion that I am going to kill myself eventually. I’ve never felt so close. I’ve been contemplating for the past 3 years but it never came as serious as the past few months.
Other people like to do drugs or drink but not me, I love sleeping b/c it takes the edge off of everything. I can sleep for 16 hours straight and feel the day get wasted. But as soon as I wake up, I realize I am still alive and I’m back to face this hell called life. All I ever want to do is sleep. If I could sleep my life away, I would. I try to now at least but I know in the long run, it isn’t going to last. I just feel so pathetic. I’m 22 and I never imagined my life to be the way it is now… when I was young, I had such high hopes and dreams for myself. Now that I look back on it, I wish I can go back to my childhood and teen years and maybe fix somethings so maybe my life now wouldn’t be such a drag. I see things everyday that remind me of the good times when I was younger. When I didn’t care about things and had no responsibilities. When I wasn’t depressed and actually cared about myself. When I had friends and felt happy.
I just can’t take the pain and agony anymore. I feel like the ultimate failure. I can’t go back to school b/c of my anxiety and depression. I basically lost all my friends b/c all I want to do is isolate myself. I hate my extended family and don’t really talk to my immediate family. All i do is lock myself in the room and go on my laptop, Iphone or watch tv all day to pass time or research suicide methods. I HATEEEE looking in the mirror at myself. I just literally want to smash it with my fist b/c I am so embarrassed of how I look and how i turned out. Never in a million years did I think I would be where I am today. Just typing all of this shit is making me cry right now. All i Want to do is be happy. But I never will be until I kill myself. Until I am dead and away from this world and life. I just want to go to better place. I really do…
5 comments
Wow i could’ve written this. We’re heaps similar we’re practically living the same life. I do the exact same things. I wish we lived closer 🙁
aww crying… i know… it fucking sucks
I know the feeling all to well. Ive attempted suicide many times and failed. My life sucks i hate who i am, this hopeless person with no craving for life. But the thing is for people like us we have to really really fight to be happy. Killing yourself wont make you anymore happier. If you kill yourself you can never try to be happy because you dont exist anymore. We have to fight ourselves our thoughts the worlds opinions and critisism. And i know that you can do it because your strong you may not think it or feel it but you are. I can only hope that you don’t give up and that you keep trying for you because you deserve to be happy and you gotta fight for that.
@alina – thanks for your words of encouragment. I seriously don’t know what happiness is anymore. its been like this for the past 3 years. If i have to live in the next few months to a year, i seriously don’t know WTF i’m going to do. I don’t want to make it to my 23rd bday at all. At this moment, I’d rather not exist. I just need that Extra push to kill myself. I must be strong in the sense that ive survived these past few years but i look at it more as being weak in not being able to kill myself.
@ thegirl…I’ve counseled some people. I’m pretty familiar with the territory and maybe we could hash some sh* out. Up to you.
Email me if you feel. Sending you good vibes. My 23 was pretty good, that sucks things are hitting you at a young age.
clnrch7 at y ah oo.ca Take care.