Have you ever had a little string hanging from a knit shirt, that when you pull it, it just continues to unravel?Â That’s the best description of my life during the last few years.Â The thing is, I don’t know where I went wrong and, therefore, don’t know how to fix it.Â Three years ago I was in a dream – living in Manhattan, attending an Ivy League school, in my seventh year of datingÂ my high school sweetheart whoÂ I was convinced I’d marry, working as a journalist and about to start at CNN.Â Today, none of those things are true.Â And, I’m left wondering, how did I fall so fast?Â Why am I continuing down this never ending downward spiral?Â How do I get out of this?Â
My mom has cancer and she’s all I’ve got when it comes to family, so once she’s gone, that’s it.Â I absolutely hate my job.Â I live in the Midwest, so the gloomy days and cold weather cripple me with depression for six months out of the year.Â The other six, I’m clinically depressed.
On a happy note, I am with a guy who is about at close to perfect as a guy can be.Â On a sad note, I walk all over him.Â He has his own place, but has stayed with me for the last three months.Â He’s just told me he’s moving out.Â We’ll continue to date, but he can’t put up with myÂ moodiness anymore.Â Did I mention, I’m pregnant? That is awesome.Â Â Pregnant with my boyfriend’s child.Â My boyfriend who can’t stand me because I’m such a *****.Â Maybe it’s the stress of my work, or my mom’s cancer, or this pregnancy, but when I get home at 11:00 each night, I just don’t have the energy to deal.Â So, I don’t talk to him and go straight to sleep.Â And because I’m such a wretched person, he’s giving me space to be wretched alone.Â
To top it off, I’m having my second abortion tomorrow.Â Alone.Â And more than anything, I pray and pray for some kind of revelation that will stop me from making this horrible mistake.Â But nothing.Â So I’ll go in tomorrow at 1:00, have my child ripped from my womb and hate myself more than I already do.
I guess the positive is, maybe I’ll finally have the courage to buy the hose and duct tape I need to successfully fill my car’s cabin with carbon monoxide, go to sleep and finally have a way out of this thing called life.