I’m not sure what to call this.
I’ve been thinking about my life and everything that’s happended since I last posted.
I’ll go back to December 12 2012 last year when I was on youtube watching old video game commericals due to shear boardom 45 miniouts beforer I had to go to work(I work the late night shift) as I’m asuming the tragicty took place.My mother said she heard a gunshot the outher night but,thought somthing fell or nabors on or lert side shot off some firework(s).(They seem to do weird things like that somtimes but,I’m sure I’m no different).Anyways,as I was heading out to work with my mom(she gives me a ride as I don’t have my liceance yet) we noticed that their was police officers at out right nabors frount door but we both assumed that sombody lost somthing but,we both thougt that their was somthig foul about the suatiuation still,I coulden’t be late for my job.
That night went like every outher Saturday night.No outher resturaunt is open late where I live and had “Great survace by Great people everytime” logo with commericals about are “new” items dispite I kinow the company plans these things out but,that’s besides the point.
Everything went so great before I knew the tragicy mainly becouse I have a bit of a crush on a co-worker who’s 13years older that me and I know that some people will think that’s wrong.(like my family if I told them and I get sick of them “knowing what’s best”as I’ll put it since they obisivlly don’t want me to be with a companioun of the opisite sex since it’s an issue for some reason and if I could get my dad to stop stareing down their shirts and cheaking them out and saying”well she has a kid”or”She’s kind of overwight”.I don’t care becouse I’m not into looks……..) (Sorry I’m venting a little bit.That’s a story for anouther time)
Anyways,I was in a great mood afterwork mainly becouse it was my friday and I had my weekend planed out and got to spent a few moments with my family(Somtimes all we get is a a quick 10mins to spend with each outher)What I found outshankend me a bit.A assoaite I meet killed herself….
Aperantly,She was on the phone with her boyfriend and he coulden’t come up to see her forÂ christmas due to the weather wich is understand able where I live and in febuary for valintine’s day due to a employie meeting wher he works at(I never found out what he did but I over heard that it was somthing to do with reality and houseing) and wanter to change their Marrigage date to a different date due to the roads being busy in July.After the talked the wanted him to”hear somthing”……Afterwords I cryed and went to sleep feeling worthless hading stuided suicide sings and studies and how to prevent them and to someday end my own life with out anybody noticeing anything.I’ve seen suicide pictures on websites and know the early sings(thus,is why nobody knows I cut myself or planing on ending my life as nobody knows except for everyone who reads this and knows me on this site)
I’ve meet this person and we were “twinkie” buddies becouse we both liked twinkies and planed on hanging out someday making twinkie shortcake.(It’s just strawberries that are used in shortcake fillings on twinkies with wippcream on them.)She died and I felt as I could’ve helped her Yet,I knew the obivious sings.I belived she was one of thouse normal people who have life all planded out.As I lay their I begain think about everybody who heard she died and how they reacted.Some people cryed.some were like”o well”(Pisses me off) and outhers who were helping out her family cope with their loss.
I thought about nameing my band if I ever figure out in my f’ed head how to play the guitar.Her name was quite uniqe or writeing a song about her life and the person I meet and knew in my time in this world of the liveing.
Â It seems that my life is always like that.If only I did this differently,If I diden’t spent mmy life playing video games,IfÂ I was more ative,more atractive,had things more thought out,if I stood up more for myself in school then I woulden’t freak out when sombody raises their hand for a hand shake,ect. Theirs so much to tell and so little time in my personal hour glass that I feel that I’m going crazy.Mabe that’s my thought s go 100 miles an hour.withen 5 mins. My thought prosess go from playing in a band,walking down to the old folks home to spend time with them,what i’m going to say at work,inmangeing myself being in an interview for the stories I write(I hate my handwriteing and my teachers used to ask me if I had ADD of anyouther “special” classes so I type them),Cleaning my apparment so I could invite guests over,going on a date of hanging out with the co-worker I talked about,my cat(whom is my best friend so far imn my life and I’m not sure if it’s normal to say “who’s a good boy” or not but he dose purr relly loud when I pet him and sleeps on my belly at night and rubbs his face into the sine of my cheak), emploment,family issues and how there doing, and back to playing in a band dispite I know the open strings and a few cords but can’t play a single song not ever “Row,Row,Row your boat” or “Marry had a little lamb” ect. When I’m high on Pot(when I’m feeling relly depressed I don’t cut myself and don’t have a care in the world and feel as everythings allright yet my thought prosess speds up and it’s illagle.If I do a puff or two then I can go to the store and shop without worrying about sombody going in their with a gun and shoting people and hurting me.If I don’t do it then even shopping is hell.)So I’m not relly sure what to do wich is why I’m typeing this becouse I feel that at least sombody could give me some advise and if so than I would relly apperacite it.Thanks for you time:)