I’ve been doing some thinking since my post yesterday… how does one move on and better their life when anything they try to do blows up in front of them? No matter how I try to fix things, no matter what I try to change or do I always seem to end up back here. It’s like I’m wandering in a dark forest, yet no matter how far I go in a direction I never seem to find a field. Like I’m searching for a single ray in a moonless night.
Sometimes, it feels like the best option I have is to just lie down and give up. But, then I have those around me to think about. When I’m fine, they don’t care how I’m doing. They only care if I’m about to give up on it all. Then they push me to cheer up, only to abandon me again when I seem to be slightly stabilized. Why should I stay around if the only reason is to keep others from feeling guilty? People say that I’m such a caring and devoted person, but that’s not the truth. I just devote myself to others to give me a reason to still be here. But I can’t keep doing it forever. Without a reason to be here that involves myself, I’m slowly losing it. It feels like I’m falling apart inside, and it’s only the fear of letting the others down that keeps me from collapsing completely. Or maybe I already have, and just haven’t realized it yet.
I don’t know what I’m expecting out of these posts. Maybe I just want some record of how I truly feel to exist somewhere. Maybe I just want to know that someone out there understands. Either way, thank you to those that have read and responded. It’s nice to know that someone is out there listening to my ramblings.