What am i doing?

I’m in a website called The suicide project and at the top right corner it says Howdy Ashtar, which is not even my name. If my friends knew about this they would give me the rolling eyes look meaning, “what you up to now?” Typing and erasing in my head. It’ s almost six o’ clock in the morning and i’ve just rolled my seventh last cigarette for tonight. I had a good day. Slept until 2pm, then fooled around on my pc, ate, went out with my friends for bowling. Had fun. Then back home, fooled around a little bit more. Chatted with strangers. Read a pdf book. Then typed i don’t belong in this world and then tata, here. I read some of your stories. I’m greek by the way. Everyone has their issues. So i’ve got some too. The thing is i’m pretty sure i won’t ever get what i want from my life. Ever. Cause what i want doesn’t exist anymore. So it’s just math. Why bother living the rest off what is meant for me? The problem is, i don’t have what it takes to end it. Sometimes i look at my window and i so want to get up and just let go but i don’t have the guts. I won’t move. Then i’m thinking about my family and my friends. They surely will miss me. My mum would die. She starts crying even when i tell her that i’ m thinking about moving to another country. I’m 23 years old. I have dreams and plans. I smile a lot. I’m a good person. Funny. Smart. I’m greatfull for what i have. I just don’t belong here. That’s it. I’ve thought how nice it would be for my heart to just stop while i’m sleeping. How nice. Sometimes i see “a light”. But at the end of the day i’m thinking “who am i kidding?”. Vanity, vainness, uselessness says google translator. I agree.