Why I couldn’t leave so far

Because there are just still so many beautiful people out there (yes i mean YOu people here at project and other internet places i visit regularily…), by beautiful i mean – true beauty as it shines in the soul.  I love them all so very much for their purity and humility but one day and this day will most likely come, the wave will crush me so badly that I will have no choice. I lament to god everyday how I just want to go and leave this planet so badly and return to my spiritual homeland.

I barely have the strength to make the day and keep this my demonic hate away. I need to feed off others a lot to sustain myself. My days are relatively idle and I dont work (dont think i could) and whenever something good happens the wave comes and crushes it all into powdered dust.  And if I feel good, i start to get overzealous or megalomaniacial, deluding myself until i fall really hard again, so i’d rather prefer to feel low to keep a clear head and think small. This world is darker than we think. How is it even possible. How can the pain be so real??? I love to see the blood running down my arm before i suck it up, primal extacy? I dont know but it makes me feel alive.  Apparently I’m one of the people who need to surf the edge in order to feel alive. I also want to do this with someone else.

Over these last 3 years everything seems to have lost its value and meaning. The forests are green but it feels grey… And on top of that everything seems to be heading for explosion. Its literally in the air.

So I’m trying to hang on to humility and try to find more good people, it doesnt matter what they say – you can just feel it in them.

I’m praying for some huge catastrophes so all of us can finally give up on this world and be liberated from it.

morning thoughts – i hope you don’t mind, otherwise I can’t get into the day with the feeling that i haven’t laid a seed.