 Obviously, I was not done raging against the dying of the light. Unfortunately, the light is not done raging aginst me.
 I’m so tired of disappointing people, and myself. And here I am again, whining about how life’s too hard. Sadly, I see that there are so many other people who wanna end it but also lack the courage to shoot themselves. Gee, I guess I’m not special at all. That makes me feel really fuckin’ good, let me tell ya.
 I think my wife’s heading towards cheating on me with a guy she works with. My daughter’s been disappointed in me since day one. My son is mentally retarded, and TBH, he prolly wont even be effected my loosing me. I have one real friend left, and he’s just not good to talk to about this stuff. It’s not that he does’nt care, He’s just not good at this. Essentially, all I have support-wise, is a bunch of faceless people on the internet whom also cant stand themselves. And Pot. Yay.
 I think, when/if I actually muster up the courage to do this, I’m gonna take some people with me. I guess I feel bad saying that, and I’m sure it puts me on some watchlist. Seriously though; the world is one harsh *****, full of shitty people who’ll stop at almost nothing to kill your spirit. It’d only be right to take some of these mother fuckers down with me. If I cant shoot myself; perhaps I can make the cops do it for me.
 I’m just tired of the fight. I’m tired of being told I’m supposed to be strong… Why? I gotta be strong so people will have me around to fuck me over again? Life is like a sadistic murderer. It tortures you almost to the point of death, then revives you and bandages your wounds, just to keep you alive for more torture. I see alot of people who dont really have problems. They dont struggle with pain or tragedy. Everything in thier world is just so fucking wonderfull. I kinda want to bring tragedy to them. If I cant be happy, why the fuck should they? What have I done that makes me deserve life to fuck me and not them? Yes, I guess that is selfish, fuck it. When did I loose the right to be selfish? Am I not good enough to have a selfish fuckin thought? No. Of course I’m not. Selfish thoughts are for people who are better than me for some reason. I’m supposed to think about everyone else before myself. I’m supposed to always put my ungrateful family first, like they’d even notice. I’m supposed to trust in the supposed words of some intangible being that says if I kill myself, then I’ll get tortured for eternity… *sigh*
 Well fuck them. Fuck my family; You focus on the things I have’nt done perfectly. Always demanding more from me even though I am empty. Fuck people; running your little mundane rat-race, like anything really matters. So caught up in your own self importance, ignorant bastards. And fuck God. Why dont you just help me help myself you lazy son of a *****?
 I’m resillient, I can take a life-sized ass-kickin with the best of them; but I am nothing but scars anymore. I’m at the edge, and it feels like evertything’s just pushing at me. If it’s gonna kill me, I’m gonna take as many with as I can.
 (this is a rant. I guess I’m not really going to kill anyone, so dont  report me to any authorities please.)
4 comments
Brother, you’re not supposed to be anything…there are no shoulds or shouldn’t…no, regrets, there are no absolutes despite many people out there who project their own disillusionment and fear on to you. It’s called enmeshment….
I don’t know the whole story, but your poor children….think how you didn’t have control at different times in your life and how it negatively impacted your circumstances….now if you take yourself out, you’re children will not have had any control or say about your actions…mentally retarded children are highly functioning, sensitive and aware beings….Man you didn’t get enough TLC in your life…not trying to sound like a *****, but that is the primal self sustaining force in the universe….LOVE….I hope you’ll reconsider and I’d totally be open to hashing some sh** out.
There’s a good line in this Wesley Snipes movie where he wants to kick the sh** out of this villain and the villain replies…”That’s your emotions responding without the benefit of intellect”….Hope you can calm your emotions and look at things with as much logic as possible….sound like a great f’n guy….if you’re girl cheats on you, that’s a reflection on her issues…not you., not a reason to off yourself….Fight bros…fight….
Cheers to you. ss!
You not being there for your little ones as they NEED you as they grow and learn…had to tell you how sad that made me feel….just hit me pretty hard.
Little ones are 19 and 21. I heartily agree; I did not get enough TLC in my life. Not by a damn sight lol.
I’m just so godamned tired of fighting. I know life’s tough, and that it’ll try to kill you. I know that existance is one big battle. I just feel like there’s never any respite. No down-time. It’s just constant bombardment with bull-shit and it seems like I always end up on the loosing end of things. I know I’m a survivor; genetically made to survive, and a fucked up childhood only galvanized that. But I’m sick of surviving. I see so many people whom not only survive, but actually LIVE. Why? Why is life for living for most people, and just for surviving to people like us?
Yeah, I guess it’s a perception thing; but if I tell myself that I’m really in a bed of roses does’nt actually change the shit to roses. Maybe it’s some kinda chemical imbalance or something. Maybe I need to be doped-up on some kinda meds so I can be as unaware and blissfully ignorant as these other people I see all the time. Maybe there’s just something plain wrong with me and the only way I can be “normal” is to take a pill or 2 a day. Maybe it really is that easy. Apparently the weed’s not helping. I mean it does, but people have issues with it. Of course, people have issues with me regardless of what I do, which brings me to not giving a shit alot of the time. I guess that’s not entirely true, ’cause if I did’nt give a shit what they thought then thier constant disappointment in me would’nt bother me. I’m upset that I have to change everything about myself. Nobody changes for me, noone’s expected to. But I’m expected to change myself at so many peoples’ whim. And I guess I never change the right way. But, if I did’nt at least try to change myself, I would be left alone, which is … well, deadly to me.
I guess that ties in with that enmeshment thing you’re talking about.
What a f’n great guy…man you’re in touch at least..ya know…so many just check out. If that’s you’re choice, and I’m not you obviously but my sense is that you say your good-byes to your kids cause they will take it personally and when people get abandoned, the default response is to take it personally and that’s a killer. Open your heart….there is no shame if that’s how you truly feel. My girlfriend has been amazing…I’ve been so truth with her and she’s kept me here but if that final straw comes….I will say good-bye and open my heart to the love and care I have for myself and say thank-you.
Good-bye. That’s my suggestion…anyway, to be open given your circumstances, your loved ones will love you for it and it will ease the grieving….that’d be a stand up thing to do given your situation…and I relate 100%……it’s ironic, we’re in our shit but there’s an element of being real solid about caring. and doing all you know….I wish you the very best of care, protection and love from the Heavens brother. It’s great to connect and respond to someone being real…it’s moving stuff!
Good vibes to you….lots and lots. Thanks for hearin’ me out The vibe on this forum is so much more dignified and considerate than other forums I’ve experienced. Cheers!