Â Obviously, I was not done raging against the dying of the light. Unfortunately, the light is not done raging aginst me.
Â I’m so tired of disappointing people, and myself. And here I am again, whining about how life’s too hard. Sadly, I see that there are so many other people who wanna end it but also lack the courage to shoot themselves. Gee, I guess I’m not special at all. That makes me feel really fuckin’ good, let me tell ya.
Â I think my wife’s heading towards cheating on me with a guy she works with. My daughter’s been disappointed in me since day one. My son is mentally retarded, and TBH, he prolly wont even be effected my loosing me. I have one real friend left, and he’s just not good to talk to about this stuff. It’s not that he does’nt care, He’s just not good at this. Essentially, all I have support-wise, is a bunch of faceless people on the internet whom also cant stand themselves. And Pot. Yay.
Â I think, when/if I actually muster up the courage to do this, I’m gonna take some people with me. I guess I feel bad saying that, and I’m sure it puts me on some watchlist. Seriously though; the world is one harsh *****, full of shitty people who’ll stop at almost nothing to kill your spirit. It’d only be right to take some of these mother fuckers down with me. If I cant shoot myself; perhaps I can make the cops do it for me.
Â I’m just tired of the fight. I’m tired ofÂ being told I’m supposed to be strong… Why? I gotta be strong so people will have me around to fuck me over again? Life is like a sadistic murderer. It tortures you almost to the point of death, then revives you and bandages your wounds, just to keep you alive for more torture. I see alot of people who dont really have problems. They dont struggle with pain or tragedy. Everything in thier world is just so fucking wonderfull. I kinda want to bring tragedy to them. If I cant be happy, why the fuck should they? What have I done thatÂ makes me deserve life to fuck me and not them? Yes, I guess that is selfish, fuck it. When did I loose the right to be selfish? Am I not good enough to have a selfish fuckin thought? No. Of course I’m not. Selfish thoughts are for people who are better than me for some reason. I’m supposed to think about everyone else before myself. I’m supposed to always put my ungrateful family first, like they’d even notice. I’m supposed to trust in the supposed words of some intangible being that says if I kill myself, then I’ll get tortured for eternity… *sigh*
Â Well fuck them. Fuck my family; You focus on the things I have’nt done perfectly. Always demanding more from me even though I am empty. Fuck people; running your little mundane rat-race, like anything really matters. So caught up in your own self importance, ignorant bastards. And fuck God. Why dont you just help me help myself you lazy son of a *****?
Â I’m resillient, I can take a life-sized ass-kickin with the best of them; but I am nothing but scars anymore. I’m at the edge, and it feels like evertything’s just pushing at me. If it’s gonna kill me, I’m gonna take as many with as I can.
Â (this is a rant. I guess I’m not really going to kill anyone, so dont Â report me to any authorities please.)