No escape
Nothing to be done or can be done to reverse the damage……
I dont like holding things back but i have to because of how my parents act. I dont have many friends atlest not any that understand how i feel. I was a great kid growing up but when i hit eighth grade, i finally said i was fed up with being the goody too shoo my paretns thought of me as. I hit high school and started dating a senior. Slowly i started conversing with the bad ass kids. they became everything to me, and after nine years of nothing but being pushed around and picked on,i was finally on top, and no one messed with me. By the end of freshman year i was known as the biggest ***** in school and i had a reputation. Sophomore year was hell. I started popping pills, i didnt care what they were. I took them and that was that. I went through the rest of my day in a haze, it was hell. My paretns didn’t notice, and then i lost it. I cut for the first time, that night i just sat there and stared at the blood. I didnt agonize or freak out i just stared at it. and i started to act out more, sneeking out to go hang with my friends. I neglected my chores and everything else. My mom didnt know who i was anymore and i didnt care. I was havinga good time, taking pills, and having fun. a couple months after the first time i cut, i did it again, but htis time for no reason at all. I did ti for three straight days. i almost put myself in the hospital. after that i was just depressed all the time. Since then i’m still a dark and haezey world where i’m depressed. I hadn’t cut until three days ago went i completely flipped shit on parents. until then it had been seven months since the last time i had cut. Now i just have a lost and hazed look on my face. I dont know what to do anymore, and i feel like i cant escape everything ive done. i just don’t know anymore.
2 comments
Most of depression is suppressed anger, so what are you pissed about? That you had to put on a goody-two-shoes act for your parents? Sounds like you couldn’t be the person or child you wanted to be when you were growing up.
If that’s the case, it sets up a lot of sub personalities and modes of operating that we wouldn’t normally engage in if the anger or the core issue was never there. That’s what you need to look at….I’ve posted a lot about John Bradshaw and family systems theory. Maybe you need to do some research and see why your acting out on yourself. It’s okay to be angry…feel it, own it…it’s okay, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of…too many people develop in a similar way as you…I didn’t escape a dysfunctional upbringing.
So you need to go back and take a close look at your childhood and finding a therapist who works with family systems theory would help you a lot, should you choose that route. Really nice people like you and me, who don’t get our needs met properly by our parents and are pissed at the core do all sorts of wild things as a way to cry out or get noticed because in fact we’re hurting inside cause there’s this whole inside us that should be filled with this lovely blessing..called “LOVE” …and you deserve to have that whole filled. I hope this helps…good luck to you. Cheers
Thanx. I really am an angry person. I did have a dysfunctional childhood, because of divorce. which bites because thats when a lot of this started. And i really don’t like therapists or shrinks. they actually piss me off more than i already am.
But maybe i will take your advice and figure something out.