1 year today. Why?

1 year ago I pressed a 9 mm to my chest and chanted…..then pulled the trigger. Nothing. A second time…..nothing. I’m a fucking cop. I know how to load and manipulate a fucking gun. It took over an hour just to get through 2 trigger pulls. I had no courage for a third. I still can’t explain it. Now here I sit a year later, still suicidal. What is stopping me? 2 dogs I rescued from Iran that were abused. That’s it. I can’t stand the thought of them being separated and uncared for. Otherwise, I would take the noose I strung and be done with it. I don’t want my family to identify a gunshot victim.

Can anyone care for 2, 7 month old pups from Iran? I need to go. My destiny is not here….it’s to be in the spirit world helping others.
I do not fear death. I want to embrace it. I have accomplished every goal in my life I have ever aimed for. Clinical depression has ruined my life. I cannot control it with medication anymore since I hit menopause. That being said, my depression is not influenced by my environment, the people I am with or other factors. It is purely chemical. I have controlled it my whole life up until the past 3 years. I’m done fighting.

Please, I am begging someone to take my pups and love them… please. I want to cross over.
Please.