He left. He did. He’s been gone since mid-December but said it was over in mid-October. We have 3 daughters. I found out in mid-November that I”m pregnant again even though I had a sterilization surgery in May. It was conceived out of confusing sex. He wanted to abort. He talked me into doing that to one right after our 2nd was born and I never forgave him. The pregnancy is high risk, very, very high risk and I can’t work. I know itwill get better once the baby is born and I can work.
I just don’t care though. I want to have her and then leave this place. I can’t take care of them by myself, I’ve always been an emotional wreck from childhood sexual abuse and hairy court proceedings with my Dad (my molester and rapist) in my early 20’s. I could never, ever give them away. I’d be too ashamed for people to know that I can’t do this. My parents would take them, even my brother and his wife but I guess I”m too selfish to do what is best for them.
But if I leave here, I could leave them with my parents or brother. They would make wonderful parents, much better than me.
I guess I’m lucky that I still have until July for this baby to be born, if she’s meant to be. The words “still birth” and “miscarriage” have already been talked about. If she doesn’t make it and I have to miscarry his baby, I know I won’t be able to stick around here.
Everyone will be better off without me. I know that for sure now. I thought that before when I OD’d on pain killers trying to do it but thought those feelings had gone away. I guess not.
Someone, please say something. In the middle of a divorce, it’s hard to be totally truthful with a therapist when the records could be subpoenaed at any time.
9 comments
Hey there, Cant.
That’s a lot of stress you’re under right now. Mental health records are pretty tightly protected and it’s understandable that you’d be having such a severe reaction to everything that’s happened. I don’t have much faith in therapists so you’ll have to excuse my bias.
Have you spoken to your parents about your fears? Even though it may not seem like an ideal thing right now, telling them about your fears of the records being subpoenaed and that you’re suicidal. It may be tough for them to hear but you need all of the support you can get right now.
That sounds like a very difficult situation all around, and I’m sad to hear about it. 🙁 I’m so glad you’re talking to someone, even if it’s us. But I agree. Reach out to someone – I know the fear of being subpoenaed is there, but you deserve to be helped. You are worth it. You are worth the effort it will take. You are worth being saved. Please also consider the feelings of your family members, especially your daughters. They need their mom. You obviously care for them deeply and even though it’s hard, it’s that care and love that they need the most, and they’ll know it’s there. They will begin to doubt it if you kill yourself.
I’d love just to chat with you, if you’re too scared to go get help in the “real world”. My e-mail is carin@uoguelph.ca. I am praying for you. I believe that God made you, and loves you, and wants to help you through this if you’ll let him. He died on the cross as Jesus Christ so that if you trust him, you can start to live a better life – now and after death. More about that: knowgodpersonally.org. BUT whatever it is you believe – I’d like to be there for you and just listen. Everyone on here would love to listen.
Take care of yourself, and your little growing child.
Mhhh is not about you that im worried, is about your daughters you just bring them to this world so they can suffer like you suffer before, i hate that girls always get pregnant in a sensless way, poor of your children they gonne get abused like you, what a shame 🙁 BTW you should not exist, do all of us a favor
@Hugo – Erm a bit more diplomacy please. No need to be so insensitive and cruel.
wow, hugobadmf. i can handle what a faceless name has to say. it just saddens me to see you throw something like “poor of your children they gonne get abused like you”. that’s rather presumptuous of you and rather idiotic. i will assume that English is not your first language, correct? i have nothing to try to prove to you to make you think otherwise of me. thank you for your attempt to push me over the edge. no matter how frail i seem in my post, i have a little more gall than to be offended by your words or affected by them to the point of making a decision towards my fate. good day to you, good sir. i believe that you, as well, should not exist and many others would probably agree.
Hi Cant
Please ignore him, i don’t know if he is a troll or what but he was just totally rude. I’m sorry for what your going through at the moment.
Thank you, social-outcast. I think he may be under the assumption that my “parents” include the Dad I was speaking of. No, my mother and bio Dad/molester divorced when I was 15 and she is remarried to a wonderful man and father. I will comment more later, after the girls go to bed. I can’t cry in front of them and can only skim what has been written right now. I just focus on dinner…baths…stories…kisses. Then I can wallow.
i am so sorry
hugs
i wish i knew what to say but it sounds like you have gone threw a lot of what my mother went threw.
@ cant – bless you, no matter what any one says you are a great person. You clearly put your girls first and appear to be a great mother. I’m in the UK so i’m about to go bed myself its 12.33 am at the moment, i will look for your posts tomorrow and wish you all the best.