He left.Â He did.Â He’s been gone since mid-December but said it was over in mid-October.Â We have 3 daughters.Â I found out in mid-November that I”m pregnant again even though I had a sterilization surgery in May.Â It was conceived out of confusing sex.Â He wanted to abort.Â He talked me into doing that to one right after our 2nd was born and I never forgave him.Â The pregnancy is high risk, very, very high risk and I can’t work. I know itwill get better once the baby is born and I can work.
I just don’t care though.Â I want to have her and then leave this place.Â I can’t take care of them by myself, I’ve always been an emotional wreck from childhood sexual abuse and hairy court proceedings with my Dad (my molester and rapist) in my early 20’s.Â I could never, ever give them away. I’d be too ashamed for people to know that I can’t do this.Â My parents would take them, even my brother and his wife but I guess I”m too selfish to do what is best for them.
But if I leave here, I could leave them with my parents or brother.Â They would make wonderful parents, much better than me.
I guess I’m lucky that I still have until July for this baby to be born, if she’s meant to be.Â The words “still birth” and “miscarriage” have already been talked about.Â If she doesn’t make it and I have to miscarry his baby, I know I won’t be able to stick around here.
Everyone will be better off without me.Â I know that for sure now.Â I thought that before when I OD’d on pain killers trying to do it but thought those feelings had gone away.Â I guess not.
Someone, please say something.Â In the middle of a divorce, it’s hard to be totally truthful with a therapist when the records could be subpoenaed at any time.