Right now I don’t feel depressed, yet I am yearning for it.
Every time I start getting a little better I force myself right back into depression and thoughts of suicide by over-thinking life and reassuring my worthlessness.
I have set a date for suicide somewhere next month, on my 20th birthday, and even when I’m feeling cheerful and happy, like today, I look forward to the day. I have convinced myself I don’t want to live, even when I’m cheerful and full of life.
I am in constant war with myself, always putting down happiness and opportunities and successfully beating down any happy thoughts that may be lurking around in this head of mine, throwing me right back to depression and suicidal.
I think I may be addicted to depression.
Not sure what I’m posting this for, but, well, it’s here. Go at it.