America, a place where anything is possible, or a place where anything is possible if your rich or have a 4 year degree.

Well, I am 19 years old. Let me start off just about how every other story starts out. Im depressed, stressed, lost my friends, lost some family, very unhappy life, treated like shit, and being denied by the government because they are too fucking lazy to sign a waiver with proof I can handle it because it takes one extra step.

I grew up a pretty happy child, family was close, I was too young to know what was going on, basically living a normal childhood. Then a time came when the wars between mother and father started because they were divorced. Each one fighting over me, each one lieing about eachother, ME getting screamed at for going to see either one of them, thats just the beginning. I basically grew up with a very stressful mother who blames me for her life, blames me for being the cause of her distress because her works cutting people, im a bastard, a idiot, laziest fucking kid she knew, im just a horrible mess. I dont do drugs, dont get into trouble, passed my classes sort of but I still graduated. Great motivation by the parents as you can tell. I never really have had much of a father, he came here fromt he czech republic and I am the first generation born in america. He was never in my life, never helped with anything, never home because he was a cross country truck driver, spend smore time with his step child then he has with me in my whole life. All I have to say both of my parents I can shout a big fucking thank you to.

Ok skip ahead a little bit. My aunt started to get into drugs, it eventually got to a point so bad she would be breaking into the grandparents house, whenever we visited my grandparents we were always scared because she would start threatening, cops were called on her and all the usual bullshit. She ended up so crazy from drugs she denies it all, acts wierd, not the same person at all, someone gone like that.

Next up in line, my uncle. He was like my father, he lived across the country but I spent more time with him then my actual father, we were very close. He was alone in massachusetts, his son hated him and blamed him for being seperated from his sister. He was always lonley, I remember he used to call like at 2a.m asking for me to pick the phone up because he just wanted to have someone to talk to. As I write this right now I am already starting to cry. We get a phone call he tried to kill himself, but he failed. He was in a Coma and we went to visit him. When he woke up from the coma a few weeks later he talks like a baby who is trying to speak, cant walk, and when he sleeps he forgets everything that happened that day. We went home and came back 6 months later. He was the same, just better groomed, talks like a child, cant remember shit after he sleeps, cant live alone. I lost someone i considered to be my father. He doesnt even remember I was next to him while he was in a coma or that I even went to visit him. Every once in awhile ill have a mental breakdown pretty bad screaming and crying knowing he will never be nrmal again, he is permenatley brain damaged.

That happened my sophomore year in highschool, so something that big of a deal to me happening then was horrible timing. I wish my uncle would have died, now he has to suffer. So throughout highschool i struggled with grades because of the conflict at home, I get screamed at every day, my room gets torn apart, things thrown everywhere, getting called a piece of shit, ashamed I was ever born, bunch of other bullshit. So I did struggle with grades mainly because I could not process things in my head, I was already fucked from so many things going on It was a battle to even show up to school. You know how amazing it would have been to graduate in highschool validvictorian? Know how easily I could have done that? But no, I graduated with c’s and b’s and look like a fucking idiot to the world whoever looksa at my grades.

I can take a lot of shit from a lot of people and can easily take in a lot of drama without expressing it, but things build up and since I dont let it out I change, I grew a permenant frown into my face for frowning all the time. I said things to true friends that I shouldnt have and ended up loosing them. I became anti social, I becaome overly mad, I became a monster and I lost all my friends, all of them. I have absolutley nobody I can talk to and trust, I could shout out to the world I will kill myself and nobody will care except my mom would get pissed call me stupid, she would be embarrased, and then she will go psyco on me. But otherwise nobody could care. I havent been myself, nobody knows who I am, not even my mom, or my sister, or my brother. All this shit bieng dropped onto me, all this rage, all this stress, everything.

MY DREAM

My dream ever since I could remember was to join the U.S Army and become a soldier, retire through the Army as well. Well senior year came about, I turned 18 and it seemed like that dream became true. I ended up getting stationed in Ft. Knox, KY. I was amazingly happy, I loved it, everything that happened in my LIFE dissapeared and I began a new one.

WELL 6 weeks rolls along, 2 mono outbreaks in the barracks because of dissanitary issues, Drill Sgt. im my platoon went psyco on us he had bad PTSD, he got the golden handshake, and my troop got sent home and restarted.

Before we all got sent home they were medically discharging as many people as they could because basic training was being moved to Ft. Benning due to Knox not being able to have sane drill sgts. too many suicide issues, and very bad sanitation issues. So they discharged a lot of us and I was one of them. Another guy from my town as well.

They diagnosed me with reactive airway diesease, then they said I had asthma, then they said my boots were too small, TOTALLY random. But I initially got discharged with Asthma, fuck it they said im going home anyways, oh its easy come back in 6 months and you will be back in. So I was a happy camper. I had allergies and claratin would have solved my issues, so the discharge was bullshit specially when they didnt even run a test to show I have asthma.

I come home and I have a bill for 2,000 dollars, now its a lot more. I took a medical test to show I did not have asthma, they failed to say insurance didnt cover it. My bill got sent to collections, yea fucking right I can afford 2 grand. Interest still kicking in, I go back and contact the Army recruiter, and national guard recruiter. I have MY MEDICAL DOCUMENTS proving I dont have medical conditions. Oh wait I need a waiver now, thats a extra step, well there goes my career, down the shitter. One recruiter said “Sorry, you are not army material, try another branch” because he was too lazy to process a easy waiver.

So my dream of being an american soldier, i am in shape, no medical conditions, everything ok except for some lazy bastards and people telling me sorry I am not good enough to serve my country. Everything I lived for went out the fucking door. All that shit that went off in my life came back at me, im useless, my dream is GONE. FUCKING GONE!!! GONE! I dont know what to do now, I cant work in a fast food place, I cant work in some god dam resturaunt, I cant pretend to be someone I am not, MY LIFE was dependant on the Army, I would even join it and not get paid, id be totally fine as long as they took care of me, fed me, and give me something to sleep on when im tired.

So now im sitting at home like a bum, my moms getting worse, all the shit in my life coming right back at me hitting me hard, my dream career is gone, I CAN get back into it if someone would help me, I have medical documents showing I dont have wht they discharged for me. Why should I suffer for some fuck up shit that happened at that base. IT WAS MY ONE AND ONLY DREAM! But now pricks who are just going to serve for 3 years just so they can brag they were in the army will take my place. My dream got crushed by the people I love the most and would die for with ease. I was not scared of going to get killed in the army. It was my biggest dream, my biggest passion, what I get in return for having the love and passion for something is a boot and a big old “fuck you” .

So what now? Im home, no jobs, no places around my area where I could move on with life to succeed, my dream is gone because of someone too lazy to help me out near by. My family is fucked, someone I looked up to as a father is gone, I lost every single friend just because they did not understand the shit going on with my emotions and whats going on in my head. I wish I could dissapear off of this planet, I have only one dream and that looks like its gone, thats with the army. Why cant I just go dissapear from every human and life a peaceful life enjoying nature now, I just want to dissapear, I have nobody to care about or nobody to care about me, my head is hurting because my life is just getting worse. Why does this shit have to happen! What happened to people giving a shit about eachother, what happened t those who help others, What the hell is it like to be happy? What the fuck is it like to have a dream become a reality? The only thing I can look back in my entire life and say I was truly happy was when I rode that bus, got off and herd “Welcome to the army ladies, from here on out you will be shaped into men and soldiers of the United States.” dont care if that sounds corny that was a life long dream that ALMOST came true.

I dont know what its like to have a happy childhood or a great life befor adult hood, I dont know what its like to have a real friend, I dont know what is like to have someone care about you, I forgot what a family is. Can I just dissapear now? I am nothing now, you crush a mans dream he has nothing to look forward too. Religion fails me, i forgot what it feels like to live 1 day without stress, sadness, regret, or in fact, I dont even know what its like to live 1 day a happy person. Why the fuck did I have to be born and live through this shit every god dam day. What the fuck did I do wrong? I just want to dissapear from this place, dissapear from everyone, and let me become forgotten.

I can feel for all of you feeling the same way like me or worse, or Maybe not even nearly as bad. I love you all even though I dont know you and hope that help will come to you.