Â Â Â Â As my profile says, I am fifty years old. All my life, I have never measured up to any reasonable standard of competance, personality, ability, or as a human being. The only happy memories I have are times when I played the fool and managed to make people laugh. I have accomplished nothing, and while my head was always stuck in some sort of neutral holding pattern of wishes and dreams, I have never achieved any of them.
Â Â Â When shit goes down around me, I am the fall guy. When good shit happens, it is always deemed to have happened in spite of me. In so many ways, I still feel like that seven year old boy who was confused and frightened at the notion that all these people around me who used to like me suddenly hate on me like poison. I have bought into the lie that if I keep up a sunny disposition and acted charitably, kindly, and with great generosity, people would regard me with more kindness.
It’s all bullshit.
Kindness, good faith, and charity just make you a resource to exploit. Grown people do this day in and day out; it’s not just kids. People suck, and there is nothing that makes them un-suck.
I am tired of smiling while the world collapses around me. I am tired of hoping, and I am tired of dreaming. I just go through my days doing the routine, waiting for that blessed time when I can stop, and walk away from this filthy earth, and grimy society.
Of course, I haven’t the courage to just end things myself. I guess I am accustomed to the idea of wading through a daily slough of pain and despair because one day soon I will no longer have to do so.
We live amongst wreckage, and we treat each other like combatants. Some actually call this “the way of life” or “nature”. We as human beings are supposed to rise above nature. We don’t, and thus we debase ourselves and moreso, we debase each other.
Love will burn you. Family will abandon you. Friends will take from the buffet of your resources and scarcely say “Thanks, man”. And all will clamor for more, and claim that they are owed by you.
I am tired. I have not taken a vacation in thirty years. I do nothing but hole up in my squalid living space on weekends, and wait for the coming of another week of fruitless toil. I hear nothing but vacuous platitudes and false promises.
Fuck you, Pam R…your head games and ill-informed pseudo-science has done more harm than ever your intended good. Your psychotic, turn on a dime moods do nothing but try to elevate you to some posture of superiority. I gave you everything. All you ever did was take. Good luck finding someone who will put up with your mocking attitude, your boring and stupid penchant for television, your retarded dog, and your princess entitlement attitude. You are pushing 50 yourself. How long do you think you can continue to play the hot-house flower?
Fuck you Kristen B…you bullied and harrassed your way into being my boss, and your uber-feminazi attitude to all the guys on the team is going to earn you a broken nose and a black eye one day…I regret that I will not be there to see it happen.
Fuck you Tom V…your particular form of management by bumbling around and spying is not going to get you very far. I kept my mouth shut about all the illegal shit the company was doing, and you still fired me. I hope the spirits of all those soldiers dead at your collusion will haunt you forever. I hope they give you no measure of peace.
Fuck the entire world…I get off at this stop.