Woke up earlier than usual, hung out with BF for a bit, ate some applesauce, went to his work to go charge my three laptops to find there was no internet access there…. So I’m planning on library, Friday. Anyway, that was 4 hours of almost complete bordem, just talked to BF’s Friend most of the time, and played either minecraft or mahjong on the laptop that had them. Dropped off at Kroger to turn in $17.70 in cans/bottles, and walked home. Sat around with BF, his friend and another friend until BF, the other friend, and and BF’s Cousin left do go shoot a promo, in the mean time, I’ve kept myself occupied with Farm country. They came back with Little Caesars, I gotten me some free crazy bread. ^_^
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I’m jealous that you seem to constantly talk to people 😛
yes, and no, it takes me a long while to get around to saying something/speak up if you will. at least in person. I am agoraphobic, my it’s my BF’s friends and family that I talk to if I’m around them long enough, I live with my BF, his friend, his mom, and his cousin. I didn’t have a choice in the matter, I left home on a bad note, because my mother is an abusive greedy ***** and I refused to feed her addictions. I left with no where to go. My Best friend of 9 something years, and pretty much my only friend since, took me in for a full year. Then i met my BF who insisted on me staying with him. I of coursed declined at least 100 times, but he continued to insist. Turned out my Best Friend’s dad didn’t want me around much longer, so I ran out of options. either that or homeless. I’m getting better at talking to people, but my Emotional Impairment makes it very hard for me to coop with the stress, paranoia of what people say about me, how they feel towards me, their attitude, even their opinions, I always respect people and their opinions, unless it can be proven wrong by facts, and I do mean hard core facts. I base my opinions on facts, anytime I speak, my Best Friend had to let me know that I tend to sound like a “know-it-all” due to my experience and knowledge, it’s not meant to come off that way, and he knows this, but other people don’t realize that Emotional Impairment affects these attributes. Speech, Attitude, Thought Process, Self-Esteem, and so much more, hell, there are some feelings I just can’t seem to understand or maybe not even feel. Worse, EI tends to have an 80% chance of becoming Bi-polar, worse than that, it’s already hereditary (bi-polar) so that just boosted it to at least 90%. I fear the day of becoming my mother, or my sisters, or my cousins/aunts, they each get it younger than the last generation. There is no medication for the Emotionally Impaired, only counseling, and the only thing I can do, is avoid as much stress as possible, can’t even work with people… The system says” Emotional Impairment is a disability, but you are not disabled enough to get anything to help you.” That’s bull shit, because, if an EI person snaps, there’s no bringing them back to reality, and worse, it can cause death, not just only to myself.
Oh ok. I think I see what you mean, with the ‘agoraphobic’ thing. I summoned the courage today to get dressed and walked to the library to do some homework but 1/4 of the way, I turned back because the anxiety got to me. It’s still a cherishable thing to talk to your bf and his friends and your family. I hate my family (I know this sounds like teen angst, but it runs deeper) and of course I don’t have a boyfriend (I don’t believe in “love”) and my friends are so far only accquaintences. “I always respect people and their opinions, unless it can be proven wrong by facts” sounds completely normal and if your friend thinks you can come off as a know-it-all, then *maybe* you are, but honestly, you shouldn’t care.
Also, can I ask what ‘the system’ is? And I’ve never heard of ’emotional impairment’ as an actual disorder.
It’s a mental/emotional Disturbance Disorder, or at least categorized by it, it’s very hard to research, believe me, took me several months just to find ONE book that even mentioned it for an English Report I did for my college. UGHHHH, I hated trying to figure out how to explain it for all that time. At least not in that time limit. I managed to say screw the research, pulled shit out of my ass for the final speech, and still gotten an A on it. first time in any english class I really passed anything, and to find in college I get a freaking 4.0 shocks even me. I know I’m not that smart, I just know a bit of everything. Anyway, EI is caused by either physical/emotional and/or mental abuse. My mother did all three to me as a child, pretty severely, didn’t help that authority figures refused to acknowledge what I had to say as a child, witnessed someone get away with murder, and the bastards did nothing about it. I became volentarly mute the next year or two after moving to the new school, (my state of mind, why speak if no one listens). Been raped, abused, in many car accidents while walking, (and having the right of way, I mean seriously people just don’t know how to freaking drive!) survived things I should of never survived, hell, I never broken a bone in my entire life! I’m 25, almost 26 years old now, and any year now, Bi-polar is going to hit. worse… I was told when I was 21, that something was wrong with my blood, it won’t allow my muscle or nerve tissue to repair itself very well, and because of this, it’s all deteriorating pretty badly, the doctors told me that I might live to see 33 years old, give or take 5-10 years depending on stress, and other conditions. I couldn’t continue to see them, because again, no assistance to do so. Couldn’t work a job if I wanted to.
Yes, my friend said that’s how I come off, but he did tell me, that he understood it’s not how I mean things to come off. He knows I’m not some know-it-all, just this EI makes it impossible to get the words right, let alone I don’t even know what my attitude is to people, I don’t even notice when I do this, I’ve always humbled myself to people, which took several years for my Best Friend to notice. He realized that basically, I was trying too hard to be liked by everyone, except, I wouldn’t dare give a shit for the assholes in this world, (rapists, abusers, etc.) Anyone that does something so immoral will learn the hard way, don’t do it around me.
The System I’m speaking of, is any government system that is suppose to supply assistance to those in need, FIA, SSI/SSD, you know, to help with medical needs, or other situations that just can’t be helped on one’s own. I had the paperwork to prove my EI, and so much more issues, but they said nothing was updated, I couldn’t update anything because I didn’t have any money to go see a doctor to get it updated. Then when I gotten an attorney who sent me to someone that verified what I had was legit, the asshole turned around and told me I was a loss cause, even though the doctor he sent me to specifically stated that I should be on SSI or SSD for the rest of my life, (whatever how long that’s suppose to be), and be receiving counseling assistance. All I wanted was the counseling.
I take it you’ve been professionally diagnosed for EI? Also, it definitely seems like you’ve been wronged (for a lack of a better word) for most of your life. But seriously, I think you could start again. You seem to want to deep from – at least, that’s what I’m getting from what I’m reading. I’m honestly not really sure how the legal/political world works… but could you see another attorney? Or just ask your GP for any counsellors/therapists in your area and see them? They seriously work, subtlely and maybe even slowly, but they really do make you understand things about you that you didn’t know. Right now, I’m in the recovery process and taking baby steps and I’m in the same boat as you with the “couldn’t work a job if I wanted to”.
If not, you could ask the hospital? I’m not sure about your countries… policies but they should direct you to some counselling, usually free (in emergencies and stuff). I’m getting therapy free because of the hospital.
Also, we all know the world is shit and it just keeps going deeper in it… but there are still ways to not let it affect you completely. I’m still trying to learn how, but I fucking know that these ways exist. I always think about those ‘clubbing, shrieking, attractive’ teens and just marvel in wonder at how carefree and happy they are. Ignorant, sure. Probably as dumb as a bag of rocks. But at least they’re happy, and I’d much rather be one of them. Cruising around to parties with their friends than being cooped up in my room and talking to people on the internet.
When i lived in Cali thats who i was a crazy nineteen year old with a fake id in all the clubs everynight it was so fun and now i sit at work 54 hours a week and on my one day off i sleep all day because if i could id do it everyday.