I really thought I could do this; keep going, and actually live this time.
I can’t.
I’m drowning in my own thoughts, they keep coming and coming and they won’t stop once they’re here. Any other time I just CAN’T think. But times like now I can’t STOP thinking. There must be something wrong with me.
Everything important has been taken away from me by force, and now I have neither the strength or will to fight it.
Why can’t I just die?
They say they care, but they don’t know me.
I don’t even know me.
As I once heard someone say, If my mind is gone, why can’t my body go with it?
I wonder that every time I can think.
Why CAN’T I just DIE?
I’ve nothing left, except FOR my good-for-nothing life. I have nothing, no one to live for. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want this… it scares me. I hate it. I hate the thought of dying. I hate living.
What is the truth, to me?
Do I want to live or die?
I don’t know… both, maybe. But of course I can’t have that.
I’m afraid of living, but I don’t want to die.
What is wrong with me…?
2 comments
Hey. First of all, there is nothing wrong with feeling this way. You’re frustrated and confused and maybe even angry – that’s okay. What’s happening to you sounds scary and your reaction is reasonable. I really hope and pray that you hold on to your will to live – or at least, your will to not die. You’re right – you can’t have both – and I really think that there is a better option. You don’t have to continue living the way you are living now. I don’t know all that’s going on with you, but I know that you can find help. The thoughts running around your head sounds awfully familiar to me. I have obsessive-compulsive disorder and I used to have non-stop thoughts too. You might have something like that – but I don’t know. I’m not a psychologist.
As for people caring – I don’t have to know you to care about you. I know what you are. You’re a human being, made in God’s image – someone very much like me, I suspect, in many ways. You are worth caring about. 🙂 I believe that God loves you so much he even DIED for you – Jesus dying on the cross, I mean. That was for you, so you could have an abundant life by having a relationship with him. If you want to know more about that – http://www.knowgodpersonally.org.
I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough time. Please keep holding on. I’m praying for you and if you want to talk about anything – we don’t have to talk about religion or faith – drop me a line. carin@uoguelph.ca
This is exactly how I feel. I can’t believe I didn’t write this myself.