I’m not a hateful person. I was abused when I was a kid, went through an abusive relationship with an ex boyfriend but I don’t hate any of those people. I don’t hate anyone. I actually like people. I think most people are beautiful, actually, just like I think that the world can be a beautiful place. People think I’m kind and intelligent and I don’t doubt that I am. I’m nice to everyone. I’ve gotten good grades in school. I’m just not happy. I’m a classic example of that type of person who’s always smiling but is actually hurting on some serious level.
People think I’m happy and that I have my life in order, but I’m not and I don’t. People also think that I’m always going to be there to help them. I just don’t care anymore about helping people when they fail to help me. No one’s there for me when I wouldn’t hesitate to take a bullet for any of them. People needing me to live isn’t a good enough reason for me to want to live. And this is besides the point, but It blows me when others say that people who commit suicide are selfish, because seriously, where were you when that person needed you? Who were you to think that you can just keep taking from them without giving back? You stayed laughing, pointing at them, judging them, ignoring them when it was obvious they were hurting, you never asked if they were okay even when things looked like they were okay, and you were surprised when they killed themselves? Okay buddy, you make sense.
But I don’t dislike, let alone hate, anyone who has treated me unfairly. Matter of fact, I think most people are treated more unfairly than fairly, but some can push through it and continue to live happily, but I’m not one of those people.
Nothing and no one makes me happy anymore. I’m tired of trying to be happy and getting my life in order. From when I was 12 (the last time I remember being happy) to 24 (my current age) I’ve been trying and trying and trying but I keep failing and failing and failing.
But with all that said, I’m going to try hard for the next 2 weeks to see if my attitude will change from continuing to be suicidal to someone who wants to live. I have to know in 2 weeks if my need to live will constantly be more (or even wipe out completely) my need to die. Two weeks seems like a very short timeframe for this huge change to happen, but big things don’t need a lot of time to materialize themselves sometimes.
I have all the materials I need to die and my method is planned, though, so if it ends up that I still do want to die, I know that I will be able to. I’m not losing anything by having my 2 week trial, because if I still want to die, that’s the attitude I have right now anyway. If it ends up that I want to live, then I only gain what I’ve wanted for the past 12 years – happiness. Two weeks.
1 comment
I understand what you’re saying about being ready to take a bullet for someone, but they’re not prepared to take a bullet for you. I’m the same way. But we have to understand, loyalty isn’t as important to other people as it may be for us. Truthfully, most people are cowards, and that’s why they don’t have the strength to stand up for a friend. However, many people are willing to give moral support if you can tell them what’s going on with you. You may be disappointed by lots of people, but if you wait, you might find the right person to talk to. For months I struggled with suicidal thoughts and I had no one to confide in, and finally it became too much to handle so I told my best friend. She told me I was crazy for not saying anything and that she’ll always be there for me. I’m sure that someone would do that for you, even if it takes a while to find the right person.
About hateful people that laugh at us, they’re not worth it. I also can’t stand it when people make fun of “emo kids†and say things like “I want to die†and not meaning it. I just stand up for myself and tell them, “Hey. Knock it off. Those people must really be hurting.†If they don’t take you seriously, wave it off. They’re probably just insecure themselves, or maybe they’re hurting because they know someone who feels that way. You can’t let them affect too much, or they’ll have won.
About the front you put up so no one can see you’re hurting, I know how much energy that takes. It can drain you, it makes you feel terrible about yourself, and sometimes you feel like you want to tear it down and scream “None of this is real! I want to fucking kill myself and none of you are paying attention!†Right? Well you can do that, to that one person I was talking about. I could be wrong, maybe you have told someone already. But what can you lose if you haven’t? It really might help you, to let it all out.
To end my long-winded speech, you already know life can be beautiful. Could you really give that up? Can you give up days when the sky is really blue, when the sun warms your skin, when you see a little kid do something adorable? There are so many things in this world that are fantastic, and if you die, you won’t experience any of them anymore. So please, reconsider before you take such a drastic measure?