I’ll give it a couple

April 30th, 2011by imdonenow

I’m not a hateful person.  I was abused when I was a kid, went through an abusive relationship with an ex boyfriend but I don’t hate any of those people.  I don’t hate anyone.  I actually like people.  I think most people are beautiful, actually, just like I think that the world can be a beautiful place.  People think I’m kind and intelligent and I don’t doubt that I am.  I’m nice to everyone.  I’ve gotten good grades in school.  I’m just not happy.  I’m a classic example of that type of person who’s always smiling but is actually hurting on some serious level.

People think I’m happy and that I have my life in order, but I’m not and I don’t.  People also think that I’m always going to be there to help them.  I just don’t care anymore about helping people when they fail to help me.  No one’s there for me when I wouldn’t hesitate to take a bullet for any of them.  People needing me to live isn’t a good enough reason for me to want to live.  And this is besides the point, but It blows me when others say that people who commit suicide are selfish, because seriously, where were you when that person needed you?  Who were you to think that you can just keep taking from them without giving back?  You stayed laughing, pointing at them, judging them, ignoring them when it was obvious they were hurting, you never asked if they were okay even when things looked like they were okay, and you were surprised when they killed themselves?  Okay buddy, you make sense.

But I don’t dislike, let alone hate, anyone who has treated me unfairly.  Matter of fact, I think most people are treated more unfairly than fairly, but some can push through it and continue to live happily, but I’m not one of those people.

Nothing and no one makes me happy anymore.  I’m tired of trying to be happy and getting my life in order.  From when I was 12 (the last time I remember being happy) to 24 (my current age) I’ve been trying and trying and trying but I keep failing and failing and failing.

But with all that said, I’m going to try hard for the next 2 weeks to see if my attitude will change from continuing to be suicidal to someone who wants to live.  I have to know in 2 weeks if my need to live will constantly be more (or even wipe out completely) my need to die.  Two weeks seems like a very short timeframe for this huge change to happen, but big things don’t need a lot of time to materialize themselves sometimes.

I have all the materials I need to die and my method is planned, though, so if it ends up that I still do want to die, I know that I will be able to.  I’m not losing anything by having my 2 week trial, because if I still want to die, that’s the attitude I have right now anyway.  If it ends up that I want to live, then I only gain what I’ve wanted for the past 12 years  – happiness.  Two weeks.

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