I’m tired of life- it has nothing to offer anymore- everyday is exactly the same and no matter how i try, nothing changes- it’s dull and boring and lifeless- it feels like life has been predestined for me in a sense, iÂ don’t feel i have control over it (likeÂ living out some sort of prewritten script)Â and i don’t have anything to gainÂ from it anymoreÂ whatsoever. I’m always expanding wayÂ moreÂ time, focus and energy onÂ doing things than necessary andÂ everything’s meaningless to the extreme. 21, never liked a girl to ask her, out, have no career in mind,Â bare minimum ambtion,Â high-school education and no interests, living at homeÂ
I’ve always wondered what the beyond is like-Â is it likeÂ sleep but only 24/7? If so, that would be magical- sleep is the best thing in the world, but you can’t controlÂ or make your body sleep all the time,Â because there’s a biologicalÂ rhythm to allÂ thisÂ and all of that. I always really yearned for eternal rest, just in dreamland for all eternity or if not, then justÂ eternal sleep. No more dealing with shit anymore, no more dissatisfaction and feeling weak, no more longing for some kind of life but living out each day just like the last- grey, dull, and lifeless. I don’t have anything interesting to add in conversation and don’t have interests or or opinions or knowledge or anything- I’ve basically isolated myself from friendsÂ and it’s just ad tedium everyday- same old thing everyday and pointlessness, sheer pointless ness of it all. We all die at the end so why go through all this until you’re old and useless? Just to brag you did this shit and that shit and blah- your income, your relationships, your education,Â your career, your knowledge,Â your intelligence blah blahÂ while sitting in a wheelchair?
I don’t see the point in this. So my plan tonight is to get wasted- drink two tall glasses of the strongest drink i can find in the fridge while the family is asleep and then throw myself off the balcony (i live on the 7th floor). I’ll make sure to put on my dark sunglasses and close my eyes while i’m falling so it goes by faster and not nearly as frightening. I know there’s a very low risk of winding up alive with serious injuries and disabled, so i think my plan is good and i’ll cross over to the beyond instantly and see what’s there. Forever asleep and no more anything, except dreams maybe.