I found this place because I typed “I’m never gonna make it in the real world” into Google. Those words pretty much sum up my biggest worry. Everyone tells me that these are the best days of my life and I should enjoy not having responsibilities like adults do. Ha, I think life sucks right now so why would I want to continue living for something worse? Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy some things about my life. However, those are too few to get me by. I usually end up completely avoiding the things I know I have to do so that I can try and find something to make me happy.Â I worry that I’ll always be like this and won’t be able to function in society.
I went to the doctor a few weeks ago and took some tests for depression and anxiety. He said that a score over 15 made it a medical issue and I scored in the 30s for both of them. He just gave me meds for ADD but I don’t think that’s the problem. I think I have a problem with anxiety, not focusing. But anxiety is more expensive to deal with because then I’d need a therapist. My mom’s single with three kids and our dad’s don’t always pay up on child support. She can’t afford to have me see a therapist. I see her wearing the same clothes all the time and she’s always worried about what we’re going to eat. She sacrifices so much for me and my brother and sister. I wish I didn’t have to be so messed up then I could make things easier for her.
I’ve been struggling with depression for a long time. Ever since I can remember. I was really suicidal in middle school but I never had the guts to do anything and I still don’t. I always think of my mom when I come up with ways to kill myself. I don’t want to make life any harder on her than it has to. Now I just feel trapped and there’s no way to fix any of this. I need help but I don’t think I’ll ever get it. I hate sharing my feelings with others so that’s why I’m writing this. I hope that if I see that someone cares about what I’m going through then that will give me the strength to accept what’s happening. That maybe I won’t always be a useless, whining failure.