Euhm, I’ve just registered, not quite sure what to expect.
I wanted to talk about some things, and i’m scared to tell it to the ones i love. Since i live in belgium, i’m quite sure no-one here will know me…
Where to start…
Well, I’ve been thinking about suicide again lately. I’ve tried it before (in septembre, when I lost a 4th friend to suicide, in 2 years), the result was a cardiac arrest, CPR, and staying in ICU for days. I’ve dealt with it very well, and till mid novembre, i didn’t feel like trying it again. (eventhough i had some hard times with my illness = borderline personality disorder) But than, it got all bad again. I got an involuntary commitment, to a closed ward (once again… It was the 4th time in a couple of years). As if that wasn’t enough, they took away my cellphone, and i could only call 3 times a day, and if it was voicemail, too bad for me, it counted as 1 call… My girlfriend called me every day, to see how i was doing. After a few days, my girlfriend rang me in hospital, with very bad news.
She told me: girl, i have some very, very bad news, but i can’t wait longer, since i don’t know if i’ll ever see you again. Her doctor had told her that her illness would never ever get any better, so she would never be able to walk again.
So she decided she’d start the procedure for euthanasia. My world collapsed. This meant that if the doctors would let her proceed with it, i would lose my first girlfriend, who had also been my best friend for years.
Every week she called me, to tell how things where going with the procedure.
Suddenly, my world collapsed for the second time. It was december 9th… She rang me. As always, i’d answer with: hello sweety. She said: i have very awfull news for you. So i asked what it was. She said: the doctors approved my euthanasia. It will be done december 14th. I started crying, yelling, screaming, shouting to everyone near me. I could/would not deal with the fact that my girlfriend (and best friend) would die within a week. Something just snapped inside me, when i hung up the telephone. I went downstairs, to the nurses (i was still in a psychiatric hospital, but no longer in a closed ward, and no longer involuntary committed), and almost cried my eyes out.
When my girlfriend rang me again, i asked her when the funeral was planned (she had taken care off all the things, so her parents wouldn’t have to do that). It felt like another stone hit me… It would be the day after my operation, so i could not go to that too.
I feel like everything went wrong since then. I still can’t cope with the fact i lost her. And i really want to die myself, just to be with her again. But, i promissed her, i’d never,ever try it again. She wanted me to become a happy person again. But i feel like a part of me is missing since december 14th. And though i have a new girlfriend (whom i love very much), i still miss her. Sometimes i think i’m never going to be able to deal with the fact my first girlfriend died, and there was nothing i could do about it, eventhough it has been already 3 1/2 months now.
Sorry for the huge text 🙁 i just wanted it to be out of my mind for a few minutes.