I’m not someone who believes in miracles, but there has to be a miracle. How else is it that I am here? That I still live? Despite my attempts, here I am. Typing this up right now. I have a few things to say. Miracles aren’t for girls like me. The girls who see nothing but darkness in life, they are for those who truly need them. Who am I to take their miracles away? Yet someone, who I’ll never truly understand has a plan for me.
I’ve been raped, molested, and abused all my life. And now, I’m going to put it behind me. I see so many people who need help more than I ever did. I’m going to be there for them. I see the light at last, and you know what? It’s led me back here. I know this sounds pathetic, but I know life is important now. I’ve seen something that makes me want to stay. Blackqwert, be angry all you want. I still attempted last night. Downed 10 of the strongest pain pills I could find, didn’t know what they were called. I just needed to stop feeling. I lived.
Here I am. Again. Alive again. I’m no longer going to attempt. I have a reason to live, you know what it is? You guys. Love. Safety, fear. I’m going to show others that there is love! I know that I doubted that alot, but now. After yesterday, I don’t doubt any longer. I prayed, really prayed. And I hoped for life. In the smallest part of my damned soul, I prayed! I hoped. And you know what? It was answered.
I live. I dream. And here I am now. Dizzy, light headed, and slightly nauseous, but alive. I’m Justathought. A normal 15 year old girl. I’ve seen Death, and been told to go back. If you ever, ever, ever need anyone to talk to, feel free to email me at:
forbidden lovers 23 @yahoo .com (No spaces)
16 comments
hey! im glad you’re here still.
Welcome back, if you’re intent on living I suggest you see a doctor immediately as some muscle relaxants and pain relievers come in a time release variety and can stay in your system for up to 50 hours. If you don’t feel like being admitted to a psych ward, however brief your stay may be since you’re self-admitting, liquid charcoal will absorb any toxins still in your stomach if you can get your hands on it.
I’m not trying to worry you, and I’m very happy for you in that you have a reason to push forward again. Odds are if you’re alive now you’re going to be okay, I just hope you can turn all that love and compassion towards yourself as well. It gets easier from here.
Thank you Justathought. Thank you God! You’re alive and, and, I don’t even know what to say! I Love You and I’m so glad that you got this far! I pray that it will be easy going for you!
by the way, I’m 15 too, from the US.
So glad to see you around still. Keep holding on. Still praying for you. 🙂 Love to chat sometime carin@uoguelph.ca
So how do I tell you how betrayed I feel? I’m glad you’re alive – very glad – but how can I trust you to stay that way when you told me you were ok just before you took the pills? How can you spend 4 hours talking to me yesterday as we tried to help you sort out your nightmare while you were posting here that you wanted to die? How can you justify telling me
“I’ve thought hard about this, and today has made my mind up. If I die any time soon, it will be God’s will. I’m not saying I’m ready to say I ‘m ready to let go of the past, or trust God completely, but I refuse to be this alone again..I decide to live, if only for a day”
and be talking to Blackqwert here saying just the opposite? And then try to kill yourself just hours later. Were you really telling me that you only had a day to live?
How could you tell people you love them – you know who we are – and then decide to abandon them? Who is the real person? When will you run out of masks?
Masks aren’t what matter. what matters is that we won’t give up on you no matter how many times you improve and disprove. no matter how many times you scare us to death (I don’t know about them but) I still Love you. no matter how many times you carve TRUST. NO. ONE. on yourself I will just Love you all the more. not pity. Love.
Everyone, let’s try to be forgiving of each other on here. I think everyone on here is in a lot of pain…. we gotta be gentle with each other. 🙂
I hope you will decide you are stronger and better than those who would bring you down or hurt you! Get tough! Decide you will work towards a better life ahead no matter what obstacles are thrown in front of you. You will need a lot of patience and determination but you absolutely can do it! If someone is molesting you call your local police and turn them in! If you can’t do that then pick out a baseball bat and him them as hard as you can just below the shoulder blades. It won’t kill him but I’ll bet they never molest you again, and they will also have a very hard time explaining how or why that happened at the hospital. NEVER let someone molest or physically abuse you!!! You are a valuable person that deserves to be treated like a human being. You are NOT someone’s whipping post or toy! Do not allow ANYONE to treat you poorly, today or 40 years from now.
And do not think of killing yourself! You just need to get yourself to a better situation and allow yourself to grow a little older and good things will come your way, almost without you trying to create them. Promise! But don’t forget that YOU must make the effort and do what you need to do to get to a better situation. It’s up to you! It is easy to die. It takes almost no effort to give up and there are many ways to kill your-self. But then you will miss a great love affair that will find you latter in life and a billion smiles that wait for you ahead…just as soon as you take charge of your situation! You don’t know what lies on the other side of death, so don’t throw away the short time you actually have here, for what might be an eternity of darkness or nothingness. This is your one chance to find so many wonderful things that we can’t count them all. Sure, bad things will come too. But as we age we learn how to deal with them and eventually, the good things will far outnumber the bad things. Again, I absolutely promise you that these things are true. In addition to having been (in many ways) where you are now, I am also a psychic and I run a large metaphysical website. I also lost my brother to suicide a few months ago. PLEASE, do not kill yourself! I assure you better things await you in life! You will enjoy the love and friendship of many people if you can just get yourself into a better situation…and be a little patient. Please don’t die… 🙂
I’m happy to see you’re here. And it calms me down. Quite frankly you’ve had me worried at one point. But I’m really glad to see you made it. I hope you can hold on to that. Life can suck sometimes, but I found something self-confident in this post.
A pity you tried again to end it though. But shit happens. Just get rid of that now. 🙂
I wish you all the best
@fellowsufferer. where in the U.S.? im from south dakota.
I sing a song of joy,
For the sun today rose
And one more day
It shone upon your face.
After the past few days
When worry conquered all,
Just one more day
Makes the world a happy place.
Not great, but heartfelt. Sometimes, that’s enough. Justathought is not just a thought but a friend who has become dear to me in a very short time. Each day I find my friend is alive is a very good day indeed, and each night she is reminded there are people who love her.
Everyone. I’m sorry for ever attempting. I really am, but had I not..I would never have met any of you.
I’m happy that you finally said something about ‘Blackqwert’.. And, oh so happy, that you’re still here.
^^ I’m still here, and hopefully..I will be for a long time. I promised to go for atleast 25
Good for you JaT! Don’t let the bad things in life steal your chance to find love and smiles ahead! Do all you can to make each day better than the last and I am certain better days will come!
I’m root’in for you!!!!!
…and I’ll check back from time to time incase you’d like to talk a little more. 🙂