Life seems absolutely impossible and unbearably pointless. I struggle with depression, anorexia, self harm, etc. I’m constantly stuck in this endless cycle. My mood starts to drop, then I start restricting as it gives me some sense of control and relief then once my health starts going down the drain people start taking that control away and I end up in hospital on a feeding tube and iv. And that’s when I realize that I have no choice but to eat otherwise I’ll be living in hospitals. THEN once I start to eat and begin gaining weight, my mood reeeally drops and I basically just say “screw everyone” and stop taking my meds, stop going to school, sleep ALL the time, self harm and basically do shit all with my life. If you’re just going to tell me to try breaking the cycle, I’ve heard it a million times and really don’t need to hear it again. I’m done. I’m done living in this hell. I truly have no way of escaping this. Everytime I go into my appointment with my therapist or psychiatrist, I’m giving them another chance to fix me. I’ve been waiting over 2 years for them to come up with something that will truly fix me and they’ve yet to find anything. I’ve tried meds, therapy, hospitals, group homes, day treatment centers, EVERYTHING. Maybe I just have to face the fact that I may be incurable, that they really may never be able to fix me. And I’d rather die than live with the fact that I actually can’t get better. Give me a reason I shouldn’t take a rope and tie it around my neck. Give me a reason I can fight for. Give me a reason to live. Because nobody else can. And I’m running out of time.
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Fight for yourself. Fought this depression. You will be able to get help. Someone will figure out a way to help you. Talk to your parents about what you are going through.
I know what you’re going through because I’ve heard it all too. It gets really old after a long time, and you know what you really need? Just someone to talk to. A friend that can be there for you. That’s a reason to live for, and that’s how I got through my depression. Please, just don’t give up. You have a lot more people that care about you than you realize, and each of those people is a reason to keep trying.
If you ever feel like talking or just need someone to listen, shoot me an email. luna.lobo83@gmail.com
I check my email every few minutes, and I’m online everyday so you’ll get a reply. Blessed be.
We’re all here for you. especially mangomango, he’s got the most connection to God, blackqwert’s the genius, razorwire is the funny encouraging one and I’m only capable of thrying to be whatever you need me to be. welcome.
That sounds really, really hard. I wish I could give you a quick fix. I wish I could tell you to just snap out of it and you would feel better, but I can’t. I can just say you are allowed to feel this crappy. Lots of people feel this crappy, and people will tell you to stop feeling that way and it’s not fair. It’s okay to be this frustrated and it’s okay to be this down. But I really believe that if you let yourself rely on others for strength, and don’t give up on yourself, and keep trying as much as you can (and some days you won’t be able to try much at all, I get that), you can get through.
Since you’re asking for a reason, I’ll give you the reason I decided life was worth living when I was at my lowest. I believe in God, and I believe in Jesus. I find my worth in the fact that God, incomprehensible HUGE and loving God, sees me and wants to know me intimately. He created me for a relationship with Him. And I find even more worth in knowing that even though I’m a big screw-up, just like everyone else on the planet, He loved me enough to come as Jesus Christ to die and pay for my sin so that it wouldn’t block my relationship with Him anymore, and I could live a life full of love and joy and the promise of Heaven. And I believe this is all true for you too. I believe God made you, that he loves you, that He can take all the crap in your life and pull you through it. I can’t promise it will be easy, but I have found that by going through hardships and trusting God through them, I have been able to learn how to help other people in their hardships. Who knows – maybe your purpose is to get through this and help others through the same thing.
I know you’re hurting. Lots of people have been there and are there. You are NOT alone and people DO care about you. Keep holding on.
Email me if you want to chat about anything, religious or no. carin@uoguelph.ca
If you DO want to know more about what I think the purpose of life is, you can of course email me or check out http://www.knowgodpersonally.org/.
I’ll give you a reason not to tie a rope around your neck! I’ll give you several!!! My brother hung himself a few months ago. It didn’t break his neck only crushed his wind pipe and he hung there dieing slowly for as long as three days. Basically he drown on his own blood as it slowly made its way from his neck into his lungs. Hanging is one of the worst methods you could use and rarely works as well as people think it will. It’s a horrible way to die. And after I got done cleaning what was left of him from the carpet beneath where he did it I find that I now have nightmares every night as I dream of him, only to wake each day and immediately realize that he is gone forever and I will have no chance to talk to him or try to help him.
You might think you are alone but you are not. And if you kill yourself you will greatly hurt those who care about you, maybe for the rest of their lives.
I know you may not care about that so let me give you my opinion on how to fix things…first, stop talking to the psychologists if that isn’t working! I have known dozens of them as friends and I noticed that 19 out of 20 of them are bat shit crazy! I can’t count how many I’ve met who became psychologists ‘just so they could understand themselves’! So stop trying to rely on them because you yourself have said they do you no good. And second, stop taking every drug they are giving you! Unless it’s for a medical problem like high blood pressure or something like that. A side effect of many (many) pills is weight gain! You then need to decide that you will either eat less often and smaller portions, more for the taste rather than to feel full, or, better yet, decide that you don’t like taking the time to sit down and eat! Stay busy! If you stay busy enough you may find that eating is a pain in the ass to have to stop what you’re doing and go do?
These things take time, so you MUST be patient and train your brain to follow these routines! You absolutely can do it if you decide that nothing will stop you! Get tough with the situation, decide nothing can stop you from doing what you know in your heart is right for you.
And if all else fails…well, lest face it, if you are thinking of suicide…then I recommend what I used to call the cigarettes and soda diet. Smoke. What do you have to loose if you plan to check out anyway? Smoking will cut your appetite and the sugar in the sode will eventually trick your stomach into feeling like there is food in there. I did say sugar! Not sugar free or low cal or any of that nonsense. There are studies out there that say that so called diet drinks actually cause weight gain! And again, it is the sugar that fools the stomach into thinking it has food so that you are not hungry as often. Sugar actually burns up quick in the body, especially if you stay busy (active if possible).
Okay…now let me say something else about suicide…you didn’t mention your age but most often when life sucks and seems like it will suck forever? It’s an illusion. Life will sometimes be awesome whether we like it or not. When life sucks it is very hard to see the good things. But the truth is that good things accidentally happen as much as bad things. So we learn to just do our best to coast past the bad things and enjoy and create good things. Don’t expect life to improve through someone else, or pills, or any other method you might have tried that didn’t work for YOU! Take charge of your life, get stubborn as hell and decide you are going to do, as best as you can, the things you need to do to improve your situation!
And most importantly…don’t forget that you are a smart, probably funny person that is also probably quit charming to those who accept you…for you! Again you didn’t mention your age but…there will absolutely be people in the future that will love you greatly for who you are…if you will just love yourself a little and work at improving your smile, your happiness and your ability to make others smile. Not everyone will except or cherish you…but some will…and who needs the ones who don’t? Right?
Lets face it…we will spend eternity dead…so why not make the most of the short time, and chance you have, to find some happiness and smiles? 🙂
Don’t expect a perfect life…no pone has one of those…and be patient and I will promise you that a great deal of happiness will eventually find you. Don’t give up! Get tough in your mind and heart and do what you can to move foreword…and if you can’t “be happy” with yourself? At least decide you will be a little less critical of yourself and love yourself enough to try to make life better. If it isn’t weight loss, so be it…then work on giving and taking smiles when you can and decide that just enough to get through each day. I promise you that alone can be a great reason to keep going.
Please try! HARD! AND NEVER GIVE UP! 🙂
It sounds like you’ve diagnosed yourself pretty well. I have very similar issues: need for control particularly regarding diet. Can I make a bizarre suggestion? Vegetarianism, veganism, fruitsrianism, raw food or juice fasting. Instead of outright starving yourself, how about a productive dietary discipline? Do it right–study nutrition & learn how it’s done. You can maintain control over your eating and actually get healthy at the same time. It won’t solve all your problems, but at least it will keep you out of the hospital & off feeding tubes. I can give you a few pointers if you’re interested. In any case, good luck with whatever you choose to do.