I think I’m going crazy.
Not in the screaming, yelling, foaming at the mouth crazy, but in a quiet way.
I can no longer trust my self, can no longer trust how I feel, (if I feel), how I think, or how I act.
Am I really feeling this way, or am I feeling that I should feel this way?
It scares me and I wonder if it’s not me pulling the plugs mentally.
Am I suicidal? Â I don’t know. Â I don’t want to die. But I no longer want to live.
Is this what it means to live? Â To just barely get from one crisis to another, only to have everything you build fall down around you?
I don’t love you. Â Or at least. Â I don’t think I do.
How could I expect you to understand, when you turn a blind eye to my pain, and turn a deaf ear to my cries? Â You do just enough to say “I tried.” And then turn away, back to your own ego-centric world.
I want to paint my room with blood. Â To run my blade across my wrists and to write out the truths of my world upon the white surface.
Heh, that’s funny.
As if I know the truth.
I go to the doctor again today. Â Go to try to muddle my way through my oily thoughts, trying to find the one or two bits of actuality in them.
I don’t know who I am anymore.
My self is already dying.
Why would it make a difference if I killed the body too?
1 comment
Sounds like you’re going through a really tough time. It is hard when you are just going from one hard thing to another, trying to sort out your thoughts. Maybe you want to live, but not the way you’ve been living. Please continue to see your doctor and reach out for help from other people, so that you can find your way to a better way of living. I found mine by pursuing a relationship with God; I believe he loves you and values you, and so I hope that you continue surviving, and eventually, thriving.