Today, I want to die. I have tried to walk/jog, and distract myself. Its not working. My now ex boyfriend was cheating on me for the entire relationship of almost a year.  I found out when the woman contacted me to tell me what was going on.  Of course he denies it but more and more lies are coming out. I can’t take the hurt anymore. I was cursed from the day I was born. My father wants nothing to do with me. He has another family and doesn’t acknowledge I exist. I was abused by my stepfather sexually until he got me pregnant at the age of thirteen. My mother didn’t believe me and took his side. I had the baby and kept her. She is the love of my life believe it or  not. I lived in the same household with my abuser(s) until I was old enough to get myself and my daughter out. Everyman I have ever dated or been in a serious relationship has cheated on me. I have given my heart and loved this man to the very depths of my soul. What am I doing wrong? Why does this keep happening? Why am I so unlovable. All I want in life is for someone to love me, put me first, love me freely. And it doesn’t happen. My family distances themselves from me and my daughter is starting to do the same. I AM ALONE IN THIS WORLD. I am tired and I struggle to make it to tomorrow. I’m sick of this life. I deserve happiness. When do I get to be happy? When do I get to be loved? I have so much love in my heart for someone and everyone around me hurts me.  TODAY I WANT TO DIE. I WANT TO NOT FEEL THE HURT PAIN AND ANXIETY OF THIS LIFE ANYMORE.  I BOUGHT A HUGE BOTTLE OF BENADRYL AND I HAVE MY HEART MEDICATION. I STRUGGLE TO SEE WHAT TOMORROW HOLDS.  MORE TEARS, MORE PAIN, MORE DISAPPOINTMENTS.
6 comments
i’m really sorry for that. i made the same mistake all the men in your life made, and it has crushed me, i tried to make up for it, and it wasn’t enough, i guess it never could be, and you’d agree i’d assume. but i wouldn’t call yourself unlovable, i know i didn’t do it out of hate, it was a mistake, no excuse, i was wrong, very wrong, and i hurt the girl i loved, and she gave me a second chance which made me love her even more, she just never forgot, or forgave, which, i couldn’t expect her to, i just didn’t think properly till it was over. that wasn’t out of hate, i loved her, so don’t think all the guys didn’t love you, and i’m sure your daughter loves you, and she will need you.
Bamuel, thanks for your comment. Everyone makes mistakes. How we handle them shows our character and strength. I forgave him, I wanted to move forward. How do you tell someone you love them and then dismiss them from your life? I feel like garbage that has been thrown away. I want the pain to go away. I want to breathe again. I walk through my life holding my breath, afraid to breathe, afraid that I will say and do the wrong things. I pray, pray continuously for the pain to leave, but it doesn’t. My daughter loves me but doesn’t need me. No one needs me. No one has ever needed me it seems. I don’t want to die, but I don’t know how to live with this pain. I can’t make the pain go away. The pain is so deep in my soul. If I could scream, kick, fight or cry the pain away it would be gone. I just want this to be over. I can’t take anymore heartaches in my life. My heart is broken into a million little pieces. I have no one in this life. I lay here alone in my studio apartment and pray that my heart be healed, but it isn’t…how do I make the pain go away? Somebody please tell me how to make the pain go away.
i ask myself everyday, and nothing works, for me anyway.
i try listening to music, or playing my guitars, i just don’t feel a passion for it anymore, and you don’t know me, but it was a very big passion of mine, but it’s gone now. no one needs me, and no one can help me, not honestly anyway, i know even if i got my ex back, it wouldn’t be real, it’d be out of pity, and i couldn’t knowingly hold her in a relationship she doesn’t want to be in. i feel your pain, i really do.
I’m sorry for your pain. I could never wish this feeling on another person. I know about losing your passion. I used to love to cook for my co-workers and have dinner parties. But they all have either gotten married and have children or are preoccupied with their own lives. Today I live, but I don’t feel alive. I don’t know why I exist. I feel like I’m the black sheep. I want to be happy.
i wish you could be, it’s not good knwoing other people feel as i do, you’d think you’d feel better knowing you’re not alone, but it’s horrible knowing so many people are suffering out there.
You dont need anyone to make you feel happy! You should learn to be an independent woman in all aspects of your life, financially, socially and emotionally. When you become a strong, independent and reliable person then you will see how others will be attracted towards you and then you feel much confident, because then you are the one who gives not the one who needs.
Good Luck