I’m refusing to medicate these days. Things are going well and I’ve been substituting with exercise.
Everyone applauds me on getting in shape and using exercise the way “normal” people do to motivate themselves.
I try not to judge those who’d dare even use the word normal in such context, but it’s hard.
I have a new girlfriend. My family is proud of me and my friends are thrilled to see me again.
So why does the pain come back? I’ve found things I love and I still find myself waiting around to die. I won’t go back to cutting. I look at the old scars and it weakens me when I’m feeling strong. I feel weak because I feel I may need to go back to being medicated. I just want the depression to go away. I’m tired of it being there. I’ve been told that I like the comfort of it’s consistency. I have a feeling the people who make such assumptions haven’t had to deal with it for the vast majority of their life. Such regularity is maddening to me.
Exercise has become another medication that I’ve built a tolerance to. I’m losing my interest in everything. I’ve started crying for no reason again. People are getting worried.
The worried looks hurt a great deal. I feel disappointed in myself. It’s better than no one caring I suppose. The only comfort I used to find was in being able to survive for myself.
Now I feel there are all these people counting on me.
4 comments
i can relate. i exercise to help not think about the thoughts, even on medication. but still want to go and die. i just put together a suicide kit. i dont want people to hurt but i cant deal with this pain.
and my girlfriend said shed leave me if i kept cutting and burning. i dont think some people understand how hard it is to quit. to top it off i think were growing apart
I just figure I’m going to die eventually anyways. I no longer see any reason to rush it. The pain I cause myself is worse than anything that can be inflicted on me. I used to be afraid I’d grow up to be numb to the world.
I’m still a sentimental sap, though. I haven’t become some heartless monster and at this point I don’t think I ever will. You can deal with this pain. You’re strong enough, and it’s much easier with someone you love to support you. It probably hurts your girlfriend to see your pain. Humor her, she’s trying to be there for you. You’re on the right track to survival if you’re exercising, and medicating Fluffy. Dealing with the pain also gets easier with practice, it’s true.
Unfortunately, I don’t think it’ll ever go away completely for people like us, though. Even though I feel the pressured to please those closest to me, my own survival needs to come first.
That’s what life is to me: A never-ending fight for survival.
That’s what it has to be for me.
Focus on the positives….even the seemingly negative aspects of your experience are meant for you to see that you have fight within you. Perhaps the sheer fact that you’re fighting is a positive. It’s all relative, so keep it all in perspective….I see you’re doing amazing, so applaud that. The thought that you’re backsliding….pay no attention, you’re still here. Always be an ally to yourself…the efforts, your intention to fight. Trust that. The universe knows bros.
You do not need to judge how well you’re doing and worry about others reactions. You are the constant in your life, and your circumstances dictate that you just keeping doing your best…focus on that and care for yourself. Stay in the moment, it’s easy to worry about what others may feel/think or say and that is admirable and decent that you care. Shows you have a conscience. Who could judge you for that? I stopped asking why, I just fight through as best I can….I grunt I groan, I yell…f***, sh**….have a beer. Your a warrior, and with that territory comes pain.
Do not fear it. You’re fighting….Cheers to you! Those worried looks are looks of concern and you’re lucky because those people love you…accept them, do your best to be in the flow of whatever is going on. You’re only responsible to yourself, so devote your energy to your own well being, that will relieve and calm other people who are concerned about you. Trust, and fear nothing. Fear nothing.