So yesterday I told my aunt how I’ve been feeling these past couple months. She’s the first family member that I’ve really tried to talk to about this. Her responses really aren’t going so well with me. They all seem to be those “I’ve been there before, here’s what I did to handle it” situations, but there’s really nothing about the depression I’ve been feeling. I’m wondering that if this is how she’s treating the situation, maybe I shouldn’t tell any of my other family members cause they’ll address it the same?
I’m trying to find help with the people around me, but really nothing ever seems to change for the better.
I went to a party last night for the first time that I’ve been in college. It was interesting. The party was full of people from my friend’s science fraternity, and they were all very nice. I drank while I was there. I wish I had more though. I just really wanted to lose myself completely. I would have loved to forget myself and all that problems that I have, even just for one night.
And today, man I was depressed. I had such a good time when I was gone last night and this morning I just woke up and realized that I have no idea wtf I should do anymore. That made me spend the day in a slump. My bf tried to talk to me so i would feel better, but that just let to me saying how everyone would be happier if I hadn’t been born. At least my mom wouldn’t have started to be abused and neglected like she did when they found that she was pregnant with me, and she wouldn’t have had to spend all of this money on raising a child. He then argued with me about how I was wrong. I don’t remember much after that. I do remember that sometime later I started to have a panic attack again. I haven’t had one in a week and a half, so I though I was getting better. But no, here I was, head resting on the desk as I was trying to control myself from freaking out. I wanted to make it stop. I wanted to go get the tylenol from my medicine cabinet and take a handful just so something would happen and I at least wouldn’t be freaking out for no reason anymore. My bf began to get worried, so he text another friend of ours. She tried to text me, and call, but I just lay there, slumped over the desk because I was having the weirdest freak out I have had yet.
I’m pretty sure I began hallucinating, and no, I hadn’t taken anything yet. Basically the walls started looking all tingly, like how a road gets during a heat wave, which is the only way i can describe it. And the bathroom door seemed like it was breathing. And as I lay there, everything seemed to be moving closer. When I would look at something it seemed like everything was intensely focused, like you could see exactly how everything stuck out, and how it curved, and it was all with so much depth it was amazing. The walls looked like they kept switching from teal to pink as well. An little lights floated about. Dear god, I’m looking over this and it sounds like something from Wonderland, what the hell. I basically just stared at my bathroom door and the walls cause I didn’t want them to come any closer. And as I did this I noticed that the wood patterns on the door make a horse head, joker’s face, and a piranha head, and they all look really cracked out. I stared for about 10 minutes with my boyfriend calling my name over skype, and eventually I came back enough to talk to him. He probably thinks I’m crazy now. I don’t doubt it, I think I’m crazy too.
So what do you people think of this? Am I seriously loosing it?
I don’t know wtf is wrong with me anymore :p