Hi. I stumbled across this site last night while not being able to sleep. I don’t know why I’m here, but I wanted to sign up regardless.
I’m a 19 y/o female living in a house with my mum and my brother, who is 16, in Australia. I have things that so many other people in the world do not. We have our own house, have food in the cupboards and a bedroom each. We love and support each other in our own dysfunctional ways. I see my dad regularly and have a good relationship with him.
I was diagnosed with anxiety when I was ten, OCD at twelve and suffered from random panic attacks throughout primary school. The only memories I have from age 6-11 are blurred with fear.
I tried to kill myself when I was thirteen and was diagnosed with depression about a year and a half later. I started a long battle with marijuana, alcohol and self-harming around this time.
When I was 15 I was hospitalized after a psychotic episode. I stayed in the adolescent ward for two months. Prozac, Seroquel + Valium daily.
I went in again to change medication because I wasn’t coping at home, had lost 15 kilos and had a BMI of 16 at sixteen. I was in the darkest place, couldn’t stop smoking pot and was in so much pain and depression. This admission lasted three of the longest months I’ve had. –Lexapro ++Avanza.
I bounced out, high on life, three months sober and dived into year 11. and then crashed. again. It was either, is, and always has been depression vs. anxiety. I feel one or the other.
I was on a ridiculous dosage of Avanza, and had 2 months of nightly hr long panic attacks caused by this stupid medication.
I told my doctor that if he didn’t take me off it I would stop it myself, which scared the shit out of me because I’d had to have multiple ECGs done as they were increasing it.
I was admitted again, at 17 for a month to change to Zoloft which has definitely been the best AD I’ve been on.
I lost a friend from hospital. He hung himself. I decided I wanted to live. I chose life for the first time in four years. I decided I wanted to become a psychiatric nurse. I couldn’t handle going back to “real” school after 3 attempts at different schools. so I went to TAFE and got a certificate in aged care and then a part time job in a nursing home.
I’ve been doing well this past year. I’m six months into a Diploma of Nursing and I feel like I’m going somewhere for the first time. like there’s something to look forward to. something to aim for. A light at the end of the tunnel that isn’t the train.
I turned nineteen a few days ago. I’ve been miserable for about a month and the darkness is clouding over again. and I don’t know why. I don’t know how much more pain I can take. I don’t know why I’m still here, or how. I fluctuate between wanting to be and not. I have lost my passion, my spark. I have lost the personality of the person I was becoming. somebody I could actually stand. I have lost my voice again. hence writing this. If you’ve made it this far you must be as bored as I was last night. I’m desperate. I can’t keep living for the sake of it. I need to want it again. I can’t do this anymore. ha. the amount of times I have said that.
thanks for listening/reading.
– M. x
7 comments
I read this and I am so sorry for all your suffering. I hope you can start the long and hard road to recovery and it hads obviously taken a lot to get to here. My best wishes for whatever the future holds
My opinion? Never take another of those damned pills and never ever touch the poison we call alcohol! I learned years ago that liquor changes our thoughts and personality for several MONTHS after that last drink! It changes your attitude and it takes months to get back to being you. Most people think they are ‘back to normal’ the next day when they are ‘sober’. Not true! The stuff is the worst poison on the planet! Don’t let it get you!
And…most of the pills just turn you into a zombie…because to most psychologists it’s easier to sedate you then to actually help you solve you own personal problems. I’ve been through a lot of problems in my life and I finally learned that my best chance to solve them is with the clearest mind I can get. I smoked the stuff, and took the pills, and drank…everything, until I found that none of those things solved anything, they just made me not pay as much attention to things. And that…is no way to solve anything!
You are young…that means everything seems much more important than it probably is and that you probably have a shortage of patience. So I would say…chill. Don’t expect everything to be solved tomorrow, don’t be too hard on yourself, and give yourself time to get to a better place in life.
Most of us want everything, now! A decent income, a good relationship, a perfect body etc. We drive ourselves crazy thinking we need more than we have. Well, no one gets a perfect life…but if you stay patient and work on improving your situation or yourself…good things will absolutely come! And when the bad things show up…we do the best we can to fix them…we then tell ourselves that we did the best we could…and we do our best to put it behind us and move on. Put your energy into creating things that will bring you an smile and don’t let yourself dwell on the bad things or the things you cannot change.
At one point in my life I was very suicidal and just wanted out. Then I helped a lady at the store and she gave me a smile. That made me feel pretty good so I went to the store again the next day and helped old guy. He too smiled and said thanks. I realized that even if I sucked, or my life sucked…I could usually find a way to make someone smile. And that gave me a reason to see if I could make it through one more day and then try to get one more person to smile. Well, that was years ago and I’m still here. I had nothing to offer someone, and still don’t really…but if I can make someone smile, maybe even you 🙂 then I just found one of the best reasons EVER to make it through one more day.
Please don’t be too hard on yourself and just let yourself get a little older. You will be surprised at how many good things lay ahead for you and how easily they will come at some point in the future…you just have to get there. Smile, and love yourself a little…many, many others will too! 🙂
Hey. I live in Avalon, NSW. You’re not alone…..
Hi there i live in Australia too. Where abouts are you from? I also have similar issues
i know how the zoloft works…. sometimes though i absolutely hate it. i wouldnt wish any thing like that on anyone. im sorry you have so many issues….
Thank you all for the comments. I wasn’t looking for sympathy though it looks like it now reading back. I just wanted to work out some sort of timeline of these past few years. and I guess it seemed the place to do so.
TWS + COTI, I’m in Melbourne, VIC.
Whisper, thank you very much for the lengthy response. I don’t really know what to say back to it, have had a long day and can’t think properly, but just wanted to thank you. It means a lot that you took the time to write that to me. I might try again tomorrow. with writing something back, i just don’t know what to say.
Hi Molliecellon…no need to reply if nothing pops into your thoughts. 🙂
But let me add a thought or two…when I mentioned the drugs and alcohol…I remember reaching a point in life where I just couldn’t seem to solve my problems, until one day I realized that, life is hard enough as it is, and that I needed all the tools at my disposal to solve problems, make good decisions and move forward. I realized that the best way to do that…was completely sober or straight. I needed a clear mind to see things as clearly as possible so that I could find the best ways, for me, to move forward. I learned not to let to setbacks and bad things take over my thoughts (as they do when drunk or high) and to instead put them out of my thoughts and start thinking more often on the things that would make life a little better. I hope you see what I mean?
Also…you said you “have lost my passion, my spark. I have lost the personality of the person I was becoming”…that’s called maturing. 🙂 Usually, when we feel a part of us is no longer there it is because we are changing. When something leaves us it opens a door for other things to enter. As we grow older we learn to make those ‘good’ things…and you will too.
Boredom is usually the hardest thing to deal with when we are young. Don’t let it rule you. Learn to have all the patience you can find. Keep your mind occupied (a book, a game, a hobby etc) and don’t allow yourself to dwell on the negative. Boredom will come and go…just like the fun times. It’s all part of life. As you get older you will find just the opposite happens…there will never be enough time to get to and do the things you would like to. A boring moment becomes an opportunity to jump into something else! 🙂
Don’t give up! Just look for better ways to see and do things and I am absolutely sure you will eventually discover you have a wonderful life. Just be a little patient and keep doing what you can to improve things! 🙂
And one other thing I forgot to mention before…
Happy Birthday! …each one will get better! 🙂