Been a long time coming .

South Africa’s freezing. I just arrived here.

when we loose all sense of self what happens to us? when we lie there and let whatever happen to you happen, what does it mean. why dont we care. what it is in us, which mechanism is it, which switch has been switched off, which candle has been burnt out, what is it that we lost. what is it as we grow older that we loose. innocence? hope? belief? I dont even know how my mind is clear enough to write this, to question questions. I dont kow how. My Medicine dosage has been upp’d. I am now on 100 Mg. maximum dosage is 200 Mg. so im half way to crazy. Woop woooop. It makes my midn foggy, and it makes me sleepy more than half the time. Ive been numb for so long that i dont know how to feel anymore. Im on the brink of desperation just to know how it is to feel again.Nothing explains it better than :

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember, everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know,
goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Life is God’s joke on humanity. The only thing I know, is that I don’t know.

-Ess