I haven’t left the house in a week. I know that my friends are out there and that they care. I know I should be looking for a job or talking to a school adviser. Signing up for classes, grocery shopping, being productive, appearing happy, participating in life.
I just don’t care. There isn’t anything that can make me care. I know, I’ve looked for years. No motivation, no interest, no purpose or plan.
I’ve been casually researching the specifics of suicide. What happens medically when you hang yourself, short and long drop style. What happens internally when you overdose on different things. It makes it seem so much more real. Less romantic. More logical. I like that.
If I’m going to do it, I should do it sooner rather than later. The only issue I have with the hanging is I can’t find an appropriate place with enough dropping distance. There’s this bridge but I don’t know how well it would work. If I don’t die instantly there’s a chance someone could save me. Then there’s the chance that, with my already screwed up back, that I could be put in a wheelchair and on watch for the rest of my even-more-miserable life. I don’t like that.
If I do the OD correctly, I won’t have to worry about those things. Instead I’d have to worry about the OD taking several days because with most ODs, you don’t die instantly. It’d be painful and I’d most likely be in the hospital, having to deal with family for the last time. If it doesn’t work, it’d just be another tick mark on my list of failures. I’ve already tried it twice with different substances and it’s complicated, medically. My body is apparently better at dealing with toxins and shock than most. Ha, the only thing I do well. I’d probably be put in a psych ward, again, for the third time.
I don’t have access to a gun. Even if I did, there’s a chance I’d live and have permanent brain damage.
I could get into a car wreck but that has a slim chance of working, a huge chance of being permanently screwed up, and a definite chance of destroying a perfectly good car that my brother bought.
I could slit my wrists but that’s a tough one to pull off. I could be left with a permanently damaged hand. I’m an artist so that’s a terrible idea in case it doesn’t work.
I could, I could, I could, I could, etc. There’s a huge list of possibilities. I like lists so I’ve been listing pros and cons of each. A long drop hanging seems to be the best bet. If I pair it with an OD then it has the greatest chance of succeeding.
Mostly theoretical. Mostly. The rope that was in the trunk of my car is sitting on my bed and I’ve been practicing knots. I’ve named it Freedom. I was thinking Failure but that’s my name. lol
I think I see, said the mocking bird.
The end of the path, this winding world.
A lithe Freedom calling my name.
“Oh Failure, come and breathe again!”
7 comments
I havent left the house in weeks. How old are you, where you from?
Intelligent, thoughtful and creative; I see that in you. I am also an artist. Art is a wonderful, cleansing way to speak feelings when words fail. What is your favorite medium? Can you look outside and see the sky, or a tree, or a bird? There is beauty in the world, and you can see it as others cannot. I feel your isolation, but you are NOT alone. You are not a failure. You are here, you exist, and you deserve to exist.
I’ve been where you are right now. I’ve had a rope around my neck, ready to jump. I’ve had a gun pointed at my head, ready to pull the trigger. I’ve been under the water, desperately pushing air out of my lungs. I always backed out though. I don’t want to seem like I’m preaching to you, because I’m not – trust me. I have been in your shoes, and I’m crying right now because of old memories that this has brought me. It hurts – it really does. The pain I got when I had no one to turn to overpowered me, and I was so close to surrendering. Then I might this woman named Monica. She’s now like a mother to me. She was always there for me, especially when no one else cared enough or didn’t want to take the time to be there. I cannot thank her enough for what she has done to help me. I don’t know if you have someone like this, but I can PROMISE you, that you can find someone. I’ll even be there. I don’t know you, but I don’t care. I feel your pain, I really do. Let me carry some of your burden, or maybe even destroy it. I won’t just tell you everything is going to be okay, because it won’t. People always hurt, but it can be brought to a bearable level, and I’m pleading with you to consider that. I will talk to you anytime. You can relieve some of your built up pressure. You can talk to me about your problems, or stay completely off the topic. Just know that someone cares about you. If there is one thing that I realized the most when I decided to spare my own life is that I could help others in the same situation, and I would like you to give me a chance to do that.
If you ever need to talk, or someone to save your life, email me. hetariuss@yahoo.com
Please consider all of the options. You might think you already have, but I’m giving you another and I really want you to try it.
I’m 21. Midwest, United States.
Chiroptera, why can you see that and I can’t? All I see is a waste of human life. There may be beauty in the world but none exists inside me. It never has.
Hetarius, I’m sorry I made you cry. My pain, my disgusting diseased brain is permanent. Thank you so very much for your words. Thank you. Thank you.
Last year my 21 year old friend stopped her car on a dark country highway in the middle of it turned the lights off and stood in front of it a car hit her going 70 and she died.
5 years ago my friend who was 15 drank house hold cleaners and died a slow painful death.
Last year my friends sister died at 18 a month later she shot herself leaving a two year old son behind to go into foster care.
6 months ago my 21 year old friend OD on heroin died.
7 years ago my friend who was 14 at the time took her fathers gun and shot herself.
one year ago my uncle a cleveland cop actually LT. shot himself in the heart when he found out he had cancer.
6 months ago my friends mom killed her. she was 22.
5 years ago my brothers heart exploaded while he was driving he was 26 years old.
one year ago two of my 22 year old friends were in a car accident both died instantly and were ejected from the car.
3years ago my uncle was perscribed too many drugs from the doctor and started throwing up blood 2 hours later he was dead.
I have had alot of deaths and it sucks but to be honest im getting so used to it i just wish death wasnt real i miss my friends and family and some of them didnt deserve to die, and didnt want to die.
I dont know if you are still alivw as this was posted a while ago but if tou are and stuck on a way to commit suicide that is affective easy accessible and painless your best option is carbon minoxide, research it.