maybe its because i think other people might be having the same experiance as me, or maybe because im looking for sympathisers in this seemingly lonely exsistence. it might just be because i need to vent, and, hopefully ill never post here again.
all my life ive spent trying to be better than my mother, and my brothers, who have descended into madness and drug addiction (i havent seen or talked to my mother in about 12 years, i have no idea where she might be). i have ended up in the millitary because of it, and, if i look at my life retrospectively, its the best thing i could have done. the problem is that during my first deployment, i put the peices to the vexing puzzle of my sexual orientation together. the only person that was there for me during that stressfull time was a man… he was kind and careing, and listened to me… laughed at my jokes and made me feel like i mattered in the world. i loved him so mutch… i was willing to give up my career in the military to be with him for the rest of my life. but because of miscommunication on both our parts, our relationship ended. and that was the start of it.
before i met him i bumbled through life, trying to live. when i met him i lived, and now that hes gone i feel empty and numb. i have never been given anything in my life, i have always worked hard to get what i have.. but i dont understand why.
i came to the realizeation that my life is meaningless and i have nothing to live for during my second deployment. i had rejected my true self and hid behind the veil of marriage.. with a woman i knew for only a year. if i were a lesser person, i would have killed myself during that deployment. she made my life hell, and i had no one to turn to, because she made me out to freinds and family to be the bad guy. i was alone. thank god i am now divorced.
i think its ironic that i spend my time around people trying not to be morose, trying to get them to understand that gay people dont spend thier time ogleing them, or trying to rape them. if god didnt want us this way, why would he make us like this.. and if you want to try to say i chose to be this way, why in hell would i have chosen this after i joined the worlds most anti-gay establishment? despite what obama has done for the rights of people, society as a whole still hasnt accepted it. the military still represents 1/10th of society.
this is the question that keeps me in my dulldrums:
why do i try so hard to live if i have nothing to live for?
thanks to anyone who took the time to read this ramble. i guess it was a vent ^^
2 comments
You can find something to live for. It may take some time, but you can find that something.
Hello
There are some interesting things that I am wondering if you are aware of, or have heard of. If you havent, you will need to learn about them, and after that, you can take it from there and make your own choice.
Nobody is inborn homosexual. Sexual life and and orientation are crucially affected by the emotional aspects of the life of the individual. It is possible to torture a person emotionally to the point of driving him homosexual. We are seeing how men who chased women everywhere, land in jail for whatever, and as jail breaks them down and drains their emotional balance, their sexual drive and orientation modifies itself and phenomens haven in the psyche of the person that are surprising to the subject himself. Homosexual does not have the monopoly of emotional wounds. There are other variants such as pedophilia, zoophyllia, necrophyllya, and there are cases of paraphyllya where men get a hard on to cumming by seeing the exhaust tube from a car. You name them.
Of course, the System is not interested in proving help or support, they just popularize it and the big lie broadcasts itself around society which accepts it with a cheering applause. That is the big lie.
Do read this book “Coming out straight” by Richard Cohen. From the first to the last page. And it is going to be an awakening to you.
I know of countless people who were hetero, got married, had children, always happy, and at the age of 50, after many years of suffering they turned pedophiles for boys, when they had never had such desires.
So, I dont see it as a big deal, but I would encourage you not to let yourself be cheated by the Big Lie.
So, you have a million things to live for. You have a great project to fight for, a new life to start, and believe me, there are extraordinary women out there. Not all are bitches at all, like your ex wife.
regards and hugs
O