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Little tasks.

by 3_bringitback

Seeing as I’m on the verge of a relapse. Harming again, freakin’ burnt myself with a lighter and it’s made a 3cm squared burn on my arm, broke down in the school toilets today, and blahdy blah, the usual shinanigins that go with depression. I’m making little tasks.

1. Get over these trust issues, the whole ”she/he’s ignoreing me” ”they’re talking about me” ”they won’t keep it a secret” ”she’s going to betray me”. I need rid of it.

2. PARANOIAS. Dear god, that needs to go. I need to stop getting scared at the littlest things.

3. Forgive my brother, he’s not the kid who assaulted me anymore. He’s a brother, my brother. I think I’m alomst there anyway, when I imagine what he did, I don’t imagine his face.

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4 comments

BleachedOutLands 5/5/2011 - 2:54 pm

Hi 3 –

Your symptoms (self-harm, paranoia, fear, lack of sustaining meaning, etc) sounds very much like CPTSD. The symptom list can be found here: http://www.sasian.org/papers/cptsd.htm

What I was told was that my symptoms are a REASONABLE response to ABNORMAL circumstances (rather than the way I was operating — I’m an abnormal human unable to respond reasonably to life).

I resonated with everything you wrote here. I’m no longer in school but when I was promoted the stress of being in a position so much higher in profile, I didn’t think I’d survive it. A normal person would be happy — someone with a NORMAL nervous system. I thought I’d kill myself from the stress and the fear that I couldn’t get through it. I’d hide in the bathroom, cry, silent scream, wish for death.

Hang in there…you’re not the only one.

HTH…

BleachedOutLands 5/5/2011 - 2:56 pm

Hi 3 –

Your symptoms (self-harm, paranoia, fear, lack of sustaining meaning, etc) sounds very much like CPTSD. The symptom list can be found here. Wherever there should be a period I’m putting the word ‘dot’, otherwise I have to wait for moderation. http://www dot sasian dot org/papers/cptsd dot htm

What I was told was that my symptoms are a REASONABLE response to ABNORMAL circumstances (rather than the way I was operating — I’m an abnormal human unable to respond reasonably to life).

I resonated with everything you wrote here. I’m no longer in school but when I was promoted the stress of being in a position so much higher in profile, I didn’t think I’d survive it. A normal person would be happy — someone with a NORMAL nervous system. I thought I’d kill myself from the stress and the fear that I couldn’t get through it. I’d hide in the bathroom, cry, silent scream, wish for death.

Hang in there…you’re not the only one.

HTH…

BleachedOutLands 5/5/2011 - 2:58 pm

Hi 3 –

Your symptoms (self-harm, paranoia, fear, lack of sustaining meaning, etc) sounds very much like CPTSD. The symptom list can be found here. Wherever there should be a period I’m putting the word ‘dot’ and adding spaces, otherwise I have to wait for moderation. http : / / www dot sasian dot org / papers / cptsd dot htm

What I was told was that my symptoms are a REASONABLE response to ABNORMAL circumstances (rather than the way I was operating — I’m an abnormal human unable to respond reasonably to life).

I resonated with everything you wrote here. I’m no longer in school but when I was promoted the stress of being in a position so much higher in profile, I didn’t think I’d survive it. A normal person would be happy — someone with a NORMAL nervous system. I thought I’d kill myself from the stress and the fear that I couldn’t get through it. I’d hide in the bathroom, cry, silent scream, wish for death.

Hang in there…you’re not the only one.

HTH…

Ixhatexmyxname 5/5/2011 - 8:03 pm

The first two sound exactly like me. I can’t trust anyone for the reasons you listed and more. and I’m paranoid, scared of so many things that they contradict each other and I have no idea what to do but cry.
I cry in the bathroom stalls too. I hope things get better for you.

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