i dont know where im trying to go, or maybe i just need to have someone at least read what im saying. I feel as if i dont have control of this whole thing called life. Im not ready for any of this, i was never ready for this. i transitioned into college too fast and it feels as if it is biting me in the ass. i most likely might be dismissed from my school becuase of my grades and i know that i should be doing my work right now trying my best to catch up but i have procrastinated so much that i can not get any of this done by 9am tomorrow i have had weeks to do this but this is what i do. i leave everything to the last minute and give up. i want so much to be able to tell my mother these things but im so afraid of disappointing her. she has enough screw ups in her life and i dont want to be the next. i cant stop thinking about my boyfriend and how i randomly have become so cold towards him so unintentionally but i am helpless towards it. im emotionally unstable to have sex because i only think of my ex boyfriend raping me and my mothers ex molesting me. i lost my childhood, life rushed passed me and now here i am 6 years later, 18 a freshman in college so unsure about what my next step will be. i feel like i just want to end everything i mean to me its as if what is the point of hoping for something good when there is so much pain waiting for me in my future (at least thats how it feels).
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….at a loss for words…except on the subject of procrastinating..I know that feeling…I know it…There’s nothin I can think of saying because I’ve yet to hear or read something that helped while in your position..but have hope..
i can feel you…
Hello girl
thanks a lot for posting I think you are taking the right steps to start solving things. The first thing to know would be that you dont need to be scared or frustrated if you see that the path towards getting back again to wellness has ups and downs and sometimes may look like too difficult. That would be normal and you dont need to be scared about it.
The second thing is that I sympathize with you just by reading, because it is easy to notice that you are good natured person. Lets go now with your case:
What I am easily seeing is that you are caught in the pressure of the consequences with your school, your mother and your boyfriend. I can also see that the inability to have talked the matters open with each of these parties around you is creating enormous anxiety that is bringing you down. On top of that you refer that you have been raped in the past and that your youth just whizzed past you without noticing.
1. Lets approach the matters.
The events from the past no doubt have been shocking and they leave a scar in the emotional balance of the person. There needs to be someone, a trustworthy person that helps you in that issue. So, ignoring that, it seems to be is just a burden of pressure that drains you emotionally.
As per college:
do arrange an appointment with your Director of Studies, and tutor. Talk the whole matter over. How you really want to continue with your studies, but that they need to know that at the moment you are undergoing this situation that is also undermining your performance and output. It is very important that you let them know. Otherwise, they will make up their own conclusions and will punish you unfairly. Do let them know about the past of rape.
As per your boyfriend:
If he does not know about your problems relating to it because of the past, you must absolutely talk it with him. He should not in the least ever put any pressure on you about his sexual needs. If already knows and still exists in you giving him sex, absolutely break up with him. You must.
As per sex, while it is always the man who is willing at any time, there has to be mutual desire. You cannot just give in to avoid disappointing him. That, absolutely no. If you are not in the mood, he will have to understand and stand by you to help you feel well.
As per your mother:
Also, you need to talk to her as much as you feel it is possible.
As per your homework:
I could give you a hand. I am good at any field, science, literature, physics, maths, languages, programming, anything.
In the past, people in the university from different study programs would pay me to do their work and class projects. Of course, I would not charge you.
So, the first central thing here is that you need to release that pressure by letting the ones around you know of what you can do at the moment and the reasons why.
2. Also, you are now very young, 18 is not something to say, “My life was taken away from me too quickly”. These now are about the best years to live.
Looking forward to hearing from you
regards
O
I think you have the right tools to survive… your parent(s) is supportive in your education, you have a boyfriend…. you’re a girl.
I’ll do anything to become a girl just to feel fit, obviously I’m gay. I’ve been bullied, I feel stunted on all of developmental milestone of a child to become a responsible adult. Because I’m gay, but you are straight. You are (I assume) confident to do things without being bullied most of the time. You can change the course of your life, because you have a fughting chance.
Unlike me, I’m stucked.. dead end. Can’t even begin to imagine having my own family. I’m 22, you’re 18 I can tell you that you can change the course of your life. You can be happy if you choose to.
@Moe
Being gay is not like being black. Unlike that, you can change it. Chat with expert people who care and you will be on your way to finding a beautiful girl that can make you happy. If you feel some people bully you, again, it is not like being black, nobody can know that you are temporarily gay unless you want them to know it. So, do work on your projects just as you want them, and also address that gender issue that is annoying you, because, as a person can overcome a depression, they can also overcome gayety. You should not feel bad about yourself at all, on the contrary, I encourage you to look ahead with enthusiasm in the firm belief that you can and will find a girl that you like someday. It is not a permanent thing.
hugs and regards
@Oracle,
thank you for your insight, i really do appreciate it.
i really want expecting much of a response but yours completely threw me off gaurd. unfortunately it may be too late for me to fix things with my school only because the term is practically over. im unaware of the whole “dismissal” process i believe ive heard things about having to go to another school. if that is the case believe me i will take your advice and try to make my emotions known and try to show the school that i really want to continue my education.
as for my boyfriend, he knows my past and he never pressures me into having sex, it is a mutual decision and the last time we had sex, even though it was mutual i wasnt in the right state of mind to say “stop” it felt good, but i didnt want it, but i wanted to stop hurting him becuase it seems like all i do is hurt and dissapoint him. he understands and nearly broke down when i told him that i felt reminded of the time my ex raped me, only becuase i felt as if i had no control, yes, sex should be a mutual decision and should also have mutual feelings. we have decided that us having sex isnt the best thing only to keep my emotions stable. he is a really amazing guy, i jsut dont understand why i hurt him so.
and i go to counseling as well but an every thursday appointment doesnt cut it. i know counseling is supposed to help and talking in general does help me and i try to do as much as i can, but revisiting everything and talking about it does hurt just as much as keeping it all in, and thats why i am here. certain feelings and conversations have brought back the feelings of the past and i feel as if im done trying to fight it. i dont feel i should have to try and fight for my life, i feel i should just live but that is almost impossible at times. im trying everything in my power to keep myself from cutting and i know cutting is so cliche but im sure you can understand the reasons why i do so as can everyone else. and most importantly i try to keep myself from ending it all.
its kind of funny, i feel like a hypocrite for writing about my triumph over the thoughts of suicide, yet here i am talking about the exact opposite, lovely.
thanks again O, hope to hear from you as well
Hello
I am very glad your boyfriend is a nice guy, I was worried that he could put pressure on you. If he is young, it is understandable that he may feel overwhelmed by reactions and situations, so he can break down, but that is not so bad. As long as he has a good heart, and good intentions, that is the truly important thing.
Ok so if you have been going to counselling about the past experience and you are feeling that it does as much good as bad , that indicates that having to go every Thursday is like an obliged reminder that you dont always necessarily welcome, when it could be that precisely you didnt feel like talking about that that day.
As per college grades, dont let that be a source of anxiety. Perform as much as you Confortably can, this is not a competition, and you have the right to take things at your own pace. I believe that for example, if 4 classes is overwhelming, 2 may be ok for the semester. But I say 2 and not 0. Zero would be negative because that pushes the person to looking at his/her umbilical cord centering oneself in problems etc. It is good to have some activity, some duty but not too much duty.
As you can see, the balance in visits or in performance needs to be flexible and adapted to your mood, while you should try to keep always at least a minimum, even if you dont feel like writing a homework or so.
But the most important thing I would like to propose to you is new dimensions in your life. As a young girl, despite the problems that you have, I am sure there are things that appeal to you, like Humanitarian help in Ecuador, Russia, ecology projects for the summer time in South America, any kind of thing where there are people in need where you can make a difference. That is, getting out of yourself and discovering new realities, in a new environment where the language is different, and everything is different from your local hometown, would bring new prospects and interests in your life, and the most important thing you will outgrow in comparison with your problems. You will be able to see them as distant things of the past.
There is a huge range of things I am passionate about, some having to do with patriotism in Russia, some to do with hacking, some to do with Wikileaks, but what most touches me and I realised not long ago, was to help the helpless, because I have so much suffered all life that I would do whatever to prevent children from having to lead the life I lead. They become the most important thing, far more important than myself, precisely because they are helpless and they are going through terrible times, for example, the victims of Beslan (google it if you are not familiar).
So, the scenario is that there are countless possibilities, and were I 18 like you, I would be inflated and bursting with eagerness to re start a whole new life.
Remember, if you cut yourself, you are cutting me, even though you think I dont see you. You are not hypocrite at all, not in the least. As I wrote in the first comment, the road is like that, sometimes you feel well and like you have already made it and other times you think that you have done nothing. But things sound positive because the way you write, what looks to me is a perfectly healthy person, that is, without any mental condition, who is reacting the normal way to bad past events.
If you are interested in some summers doing humanitarian work, I can put you in touch with some organisations that do things of the sort. I know one of them is extremely good and serious (my nephew runs it) and then there are others that I dont know personnally.
hugs and let me know