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Hm.

by 3_bringitback

I’ve not posted here for a while, didn’t really need to. But my heads a bit of a crap pot today, so I thought I might as well.

I’ve definitely stopped self-harming. Havn’t done it in months. I’ve been using bio-oil on the scars on my shoulder, and fuck me does it work wonders. I’d say within the next few weeks, I’ll be able to wear a tank top. Wow, that’d be fucking wonderful.

I’m keeping the ones on my thigh. I dunno why. I guess I just like the feeling of having my past right there.

I’ve definitely been happier. Still get my bad days n’all, and sometimes I become afraid of this new-found-happiness. I’m just not used to it, I suppose.

I wouldn’t say “getting better” is something that just happens. I never even noticed it. I just. Stopped feeling that way. It kinda snuck up on me.

Here’s a tip guys. Everyone says you need to do huge things to make things better. You don’t. Y’know what I did, I got outside. I socialised. I know, I know. It’s the last thing you want to do right now. You just want to stay inside and wallow in self-pity. But getting out and distracting yourself, it works.

Anyway. I’m really fucked up over my, well love life. No, my boyfriend of one month didn’t dump me. I just. I dunno, it’s confusing even for me. I can’t… Urgh. It’s like, I’ll like someone, and it’s all good. Normal teenage shit. But as soon as they start chasing me? I freak out. I go cold. I cut them out. It’s like I’m afraid of being in a relationship. Intimacy issues. Kinda expected with my past with guys. Can’t really trust ’em y’know, seeing as the two most important men in my life (brother and father) hurt me in ways no-one should be hurt.

This is gonna fuck so much up. I could be the chaser, but I don’t have the confidence for that. And I know what you’re thinking. “When the right guy comes along you’ll feel safe”. I predict, that when the right guy comes along, I’ll push him away. Ergh. Fuck sake.

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unbecoming 6/21/2011 - 1:03 am

I remember you. Wow. Makes me sorta energized to hear you’re feeling better since last you posted. It’s funny and sorta a relief to hear you say your newfound fear is H. There’s nothing wrong with approaching relationships cautiously. Hopefully you’ll know when you’re ready or what you have to do to be ready.

3_bringitback 6/22/2011 - 3:38 am

I’m remembered? o.O Wow, I never even did much here. XD

Well, I don’t really FEAR it. It’s just a huge change from what I used to have. It’s scary I guess. And I can’t help but think, “what if I relapse?”.

I just think I’m being too cautious. Which sucks. But I guess I jujst shouldn’t let it affect me so much. It’s only a small part of my life when I really think about it.

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