First of all I want to state that I’ve been posting here for a while and have been contemplating suicide for a little before I found this website. I’ve been sort of just going with the flow until something would finally just push me over the edge. I’ve been losing friends and I’m in a relationship that feels like is just falling apart. Somehow that hasn’t even pushed me a single bit. At least until today. I feel like I’ve been a crappy friend the few years that I started to rely on friends over the internet. In 8th grade I had a relationship that was lasting for 2 years, even though he was verbally abusive I stuck it through until I found out that while at my grandmother’s funeral he was ‘cheating’ on me. That sort of pushed me over the edge. I broke up with him and thought I was fine until I went to spend the summer in New York. I had a short relationship there with someone who was a close friend of my family. Things happened and he broke up with me (first time I was broken up with). After that I felt like a wreck and nothing I did was right. I tried to better myself and I just became dead weight on everyone around me. I did what ever I was told to do by the guys in my life because that was what I knew. At the end of that summer I started to talk to the guy who kick started my depression wayyy back in 4th grade. I got home and we met up for the first time in years. We ended up dating and even though I knew at the time that he wasn’t treating me right I waited until he finally broke up with me. At the time I had never tried any drugs and never drank. I kept sane because of a few friends that I had kept in touch with on the internet. During the time that I was getting over my ex, I had started to develop feelings for the guy who stuck with me until I was all better. He asked me out and I denied him. I wanted to wait until I was completely over this guy before I started a relationship with this guy. When I finally said I was ready, me and this guy i’ll call “xx” for now, had the best relationship I had ever been in. But over time, xx and me grew apart little by little and even though I loved this guy with every little bit of my heart, I broke up with him. I figured it would just be better for him, and I still think it is better for him. I’m not a very ideal girlfriend+friend. I decided to then have a friend stay over from Lithuania. While my friend was here I was treated very poorly and in the end my self esteem was lower than it had ever been and my depression came back. I got weak again and tried to see if things might work out again with me and XX. He told me he didn’t love me anymore and that he didn’t want to talk with me anymore. I went over the edge and started to cut. I cut because I was a horrible person. I cut because all the pain I felt would go away for a second or two and it gave me relief to keep going on with life. I have 61 cuts on my left arm, 29 on my right leg and 2 in my hand plain as day. My parents didn’t notice that I cut until they saw a note I wrote that mentioned my cuts in them. They thought I stopped. I still sometimes talk to that guy and even though it hurts most of the time.. It keeps me going. A little after I started to contemplate suicide, I became friends with some really nice people. They have their flaws, but I love them to pieces. I know this note or what ever it should be called will not make up for the kind of person I am, but I hope it helps everyone understand. After I started to talk to these friends, I developed feelings for one who I found out feels the same way for me. I know the feelings he has for me are depleting, but I still try to put forth effort to make him see I’m getting better. I’ve been trying to get better with every bit of sanity I have left but it doesn’t work. I cry before I sleep at night. I cry when I mute myself. I cry when everyone jokes about me being loose. I cry every time someone points out that my life really is shit.. I cry when I realize those friends I have.. Don’t care for me the same anymore. There is no excuse for the way I act. And there is no way to “ask for forgiveness”. The more I realize this, the worse I get. The more I feel like I’m being pushed off this “cliff”. The more I want to die.
That’s my relationship/friendship description…
On another note..
My family-I was fine until 4th grade. You guys read earlier that a guy kick started my depression, but also something within the family did too. My sister got pregnant when she was 14, when I was in 5th grade. She may have been the cause of all of our family arguments but she also kept this family together.. We were closer after she had my nephew. But when my nephew was born, the doctors said something was wrong with him. My nephew has special needs. He uses a wheelchair and can’t speak. The doctors say he never will. When I was in elementary school, I first realized that the world isn’t fair no matter which way you look at it. The doctors still don’t know what is wrong with my nephew but they have told us he won’t live past childhood. I love that kid more than anything/one else in the world. And I know he’ll prove the doctors wrong, but it still just adds. My sister had another child about 2 years later, my niece. She is adorable, also spoiled. They lived with us for a portion of their lives but I guess we needed it. After my sister moved out, our household seemed calm. I found out soon after that, that my parents wanted to divorce each other. They ended up sticking through their marriage and to this day they try to make it work.. But every day my family tells me what they think about the other. They tell me things I shouldn’t know. Things that hurt me to hear it. For the past couple summers I’ve been getting better because I’ve been living away from everyone for a majority of it. But… Well I guess this section isn’t as important.
Yesturday-
I watched someone I knew from volunteering at my fathers work die. I watched her and her daughter crash right into a building from what looked like 40mph. She died from internal bleeding. She was going to go to NYC with us and her daughter but she hit the gas pedal instead of the brakes. It was a fluke accident that cost her her life. If I had my blade with me and my pills I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this right now. I wouldn’t be spending this time trying to explain myself to anyone at all right now. I would be dead. I wouldn’t be crying while writing this. I wouldn’t be hurting because I know what kind of person I am. I wouldn’t be doing any of this. I would be dead, dead, dead, dead.
I know I should have just snapped a while ago and maybe I did. But I felt sane.. I feel like I have snapped now.
I’m sorry for any rude comments I made to you.
I’m sorry for any attitude I may have given.
I’m sorry for coming to you when I was hurt. (I know I should keep things to myself)
I’m sorry for snapping at you.
I’m sorry for hurting you, if I have.
I’m sorry.
10 comments
i hope you haven’t killed yourself yet, because then you can read what i have to say.
I have been contemplating about killing myself for a while. I’ve had 2 attempts, one when i was 13, i bought a pack of sleeping pills and stole my fathers rum. I then sprayed my whole room full of insecticide so i would suffocate after falling asleep with a pack of pills mixed with the rum. Stupid pills weren’t strong enough so I didn’t die, just got a massive headache the next day.
I tried killing myself again a few months ago by leaving the gas pipe on in the kitchen. My whole family was out that day, so it was perfect. but it took so long, i left it like an hour and just sat there, waiting. BUT FUCK ME I NEVER DIE. i dont want to feel pain, it may be cos im a ***** (but i can take a beating if someone did it to me, without crying) its just i dont wanna resort to cutting myself.
The reason why i want to kill myself is that..sometimes i just look around the world and myslef and ask myself “why?”. I have appeared normal and happy recently to friends and family to keep them from suspecting anything, but inside i still waiting for the right time. sometimes i look at a bus speeding and feel like jumping in front of it. But i feel like i wasted time training to be fit by running around the park at least one a week (i do sprints and mile runs), and training in the gym for games.
Im currently 15, done exams and shit but i dont want to go to college. Why do i have to spend all my life doing exams and shit? fuck it. I dont really have an ambition cos i procrastinate a lot. Dont wanna go uni and listen to old men talk. I wanked a lot when i was 11-14, but i have cut down to like 1 a month cos i just dont want to wank. I dry humped my sister (who was 9) when i was 12, and i feel really bad about it, fuck my fucking hormones.. hope i havent scarred her for life, we never talk about what we did that august.
I believe that we should live life to enjoy it. My idea of enjoyment is listen to Oasis, New Radicals, the XX, chill at night have drinks in a pub and run/swim during the day. But i hatwe the fucking idea of spending my life working in a shitty job. i already help my parents hotel-keeping. waiting for motherfuckers to 12am in the morning, sit there all day wasting my youth away when i could enjoy it.
I haven’t decide how i shall kill myself. I dont wanna upset my family, and friends-pah who cares they’re just people i hang out with, i have lots of friends, but no-one is that close to me, i just joke with them etc.
I figure i should wait til i get my own apartment in scotland or somewhere, and have one with a stove and try gassin myself again. IT better work.
I dont know how old you are (i think your 18), but i think you want to kill yourself, you should think really deep about it. it only comes once, and that beauty of life is over. like circumcision. once the foreskin is gone, it will NEVER come back. anyway, if life is really that bad then, yeah, but i suggest try finding the things you enjoy in life. maybe music? or dancing? idk, but clear your mind, DONT try and think about how life sucks too much, but think about life: maybe your memories of being carried by your father?(sometimes i get depressed form thinking about that), or maybe the things you wanted to do in life. I recently wanted to learn to play the guitar, get fit etc. and try learning the guitar really well during the holidays. how about you? maybe you want to find someone who cares about you, talks to you. if you met me, maybe we would get to know each other better and fall in love. but your in usa, im in the uk =(. you seem like a real nice person, dont think yourself as a horrible person, everyone has flaws, noone is perfect.
so please, dont commit suicide just yet, i wont just yet. there is plenty of good stuff in life, thought sometimes hard to believe.
<3
EDIT: removed suicide methods cos its gaianst the rules
i hope you haven’t killed yourself yet, because then you can read what i have to say.
I have been contemplating about killing myself for a while. I’ve had 2 attempts, one when i was 13.
I tried killing myself again a few months ago. My whole family was out that day, so it was perfect. but it took so long, i left it like an hour and just sat there, waiting. BUT FUCK ME I NEVER DIE. i dont want to feel pain, it may be cos im a ***** (but i can take a beating if someone did it to me, without crying) its just i dont wanna resort to cutting myself.
The reason why i want to kill myself is that..sometimes i just look around the world and myslef and ask myself “why?â€. I have appeared normal and happy recently to friends and family to keep them from suspecting anything, but inside i still waiting for the right time. But if i kill myself i feel like i wasted time training to be fit by running around the park at least one a week (i do sprints and mile runs), and training in the gym for games.
Im currently 15, done exams and shit but i dont want to go to college. Why do i have to spend all my life doing exams and shit? fuck it. I dont really have an ambition cos i procrastinate a lot. Dont wanna go uni and listen to old men talk. I wanked a lot when i was 11-14, but i have cut down to like 1 a month cos i just dont want to wank. I dry humped my sister (who was 9) when i was 12, and i feel really bad about it, fuck my fucking hormones.. hope i havent scarred her for life, we never talk about what we did that august.
I believe that we should live life to enjoy it. My idea of enjoyment is listen to Oasis, New Radicals, the XX, chill at night have drinks in a pub and run/swim during the day. But i hatwe the fucking idea of spending my life working in a shitty job. i already help my parents hotel-keeping. waiting for motherfuckers to 12am in the morning, sit there all day wasting my youth away when i could enjoy it.
I haven’t decide how i shall kill myself. I dont wanna upset my family, and friends-pah who cares they’re just people i hang out with, i have lots of friends, but no-one is that close to me, i just joke with them etc.
I figure i should wait til i get my own apartment in scotland or somewhere.
I dont know how old you are (i think your 18), but i think you want to kill yourself, you should think really deep about it. it only comes once, and that beauty of life is over. like circumcision. once the foreskin is gone, it will NEVER come back. anyway, if life is really that bad then, yeah, but i suggest try finding the things you enjoy in life. maybe music? or dancing? idk, but clear your mind, DONT try and think about how life sucks too much, but think about life: maybe your memories of being carried by your father?(sometimes i get depressed form thinking about that), or maybe the things you wanted to do in life. I recently wanted to learn to play the guitar, get fit etc. and try learning the guitar really well during the holidays. how about you? maybe you want to find someone who cares about you, talks to you. if you met me, maybe we would get to know each other better and fall in love. but your in usa, im in the uk =(. you seem like a real nice person, dont think yourself as a horrible person, everyone has flaws, noone is perfect.
so please, dont commit suicide just yet, i wont just yet. there is plenty of good stuff in life, thought sometimes hard to believe.
<3
You’re a very smart individual. Very considerate. I’m sorry you’ve been through hell, you don’t deserve it.
@endtheagony: I’m 17. I play guitar. Sorry I’m very sleepy so I’m not so talkative.. You have skype or something? Contact me somehow
Skype= kaylee.foster.ahcs
Aim-kfosterahcs (it always just says im in cell mode so feel free to talk on that when it says that.)
Facebook?-try kaylee skye foster..
(:
@riley morgan: thank you… -hug-
I hope you get through all of it well.
morning, tried searching you on but dunno which one you are. is it “kaylee foster-x”? skype doesnt work on my computer sry.
@endtheagony: I’ll post a link. http://www.facebook.com/Bring.On.The.Peace
That’s what you mean right?
@snoochiez:thank you snooch (:
babe.. i dont know why u think my feelings for you are goin away cause if anything they r getting stronger day by day < but w.e enough about my shit i love you baby and swear i always will just dont give up on ur self your a great person and the best gf iv ever had i love you more than any one in the world i swear to u that < so i can get the tickets soon 😀
@backtrackinlife
just want you to know that even you forget me sometimes, in my heart i will always love you, i know we have differences in our lives, but deep inside my heart there is always a place for you. you say you’re not the ideal girlfriend or a friend, but everyone deserve a chance to prove themselves. you need to get over the losers that have hurt you or is hurting you cause they are all talk and dont deserve you. i will wait for you until you’re ready, just dont let me wait too long. P.S. I love you
just for the record, to all of you out there, suicide is not the answer, find it in yourselves to forgive, that is the true answer to everything. forgive yourselves for the things that you’re doing to yourselves, the things that other people have done to you and forgive those that dont understand you. this world is full of idiots as it is, dont let them make you into one of them. peace out i love you all, my brothers and sisters.