Sometimes I wonder if I’ll actually do it. Will I ever kill myself? I might accidentally. Would I do it though? I might take 10 pills, but I might also think I’ll still wake up. I might slit myself all over and bleed and bleed. Will I actually KILL myself though? I came on this website after someone told me they didn’t love me. After they didn’t want anything to do with me. He told me he hasn’t for a while… So why did he pretend? I started cutting then. I started drinking because of him. I got into drugs. I smoked and I lied to people because of it. I lied to my best friend. I still love the guy too. Isn’t that pathetic? It’s been ages and we barely speak to each other. But for some reason I’m hooked on him. I’m in love with my best friend… I don’t think he realizes how much I love him. I don’t think he realizes that he’s the reason I’m still here. That him alone… Is the reason. I don’t think I’m good enough though… I don’t think he wants to see me. To be with me. I don’t think I’m worth it. I would hurt him and I don’t want that. If I had to stop talking to him and never see him again just to keep him from getting hurt and from feeling regret from knowing me.. I would. Truth is… I’m almost in tears writing this…..
I wonder if I actually have friends. I don’t in person. I really don’t, I live at home and well I’ve got no friends here. My life is online. My friends are online. Are they real? Or am I just a stage they are going through?
4 comments
im your friend and im as real as i can be:) yeah i still mayb be online but its ok
There has always been a small part of my mind which believes I won’t, with the exception of a couple of instance when the inhibitions which detered me just disappeared. In both of those instance, when I realized I could do it, there were people who intervened and I wound up in the adult psych ward. I bare no ill will towards them because they were acting out of love for me, but sometimes I wish they had not been there.
I’ve never attempted suicide, but I have a couple of sure fire plans which I have developed just in case. I have no desire to be a survivor; when I do it I’ll leave nothing to chance.
I have often wondered how I would feel in that moment when death is eminent and there was no chance of survival. I like to think I will be filled w/ joy and contentment, but I’m not sure. I guess there is a small part of me w/ enough hope that this is all worth it.
When it comes to friends, I’m at a loss. Good friendships that last have proved somewhat elusive to me.
Thanks hailey<3.
@dad: I understand, when I every part of me decides it's time I know there is no way I will make it past the suicide attempt. I have tried to kill myself but not with all the effort I can. I've OD, cut myself(throat as well), and well there are a few other things i don't want to get into. But each time I guess there was something holding me back. The only problem is, every day I feel a bit closer
sometimes i wonder the same thing if she even notice me anymore. this girl and i had a thing a while back but it was short. i still feel for her but is there any feelings left inside her for me? you keep holding onto that one person and that alone just might break you. the one person that truly loves you is out there, why dont you get past your old ones and give that guy a chance? just another person’s opinion here, you dont have to listen and you can do what you want, but there’s always hope somewhere, so dont let it past you by.