At around 3am this morning I started having a panic attack. Whenever this happens, my boyfriend says I can call him so he can help me however he can even though he’s 1,000 miles away. This one was going to be bad, I knew it. When he asked me what was wrong, I replied, “Maybe it would be better if I were to kill myself.”
“Why would you do that?” was his reply.
There are times when I really wish I could make him see the world as I see it. Not just to describe my problems the way you would describe the world around you to a blind person, but to actually feel the emotions and experiences I do that make me think this way. I just would like the one person I’m closest to to really understand.
Anyway, as we were talking about what is/isn’t true about the way we both perceive my life I knew my panic attack was getting worse. Long pauses began to develop in our conversation. I was trying to fight it. That’s how it usually goes. He started getting annoyed that I was doing this again, and when he complained that it had been over seven minutes since I had last spoken, that’s when I lost it.
It came like a rush, and a pressure in my throat that I tried to hold back but couldn’t. It was screaming and sobbing and grabbing my head, sitting down bent over and crying into my knees with my fingers tightly holding onto the roots of my hair as I tried to stop something that couldn’t be stopped kind of awful. I dropped the phone from my bed and was like this for several minutes. I’m surprised my mom didn’t wake up from her room next door.
When I finally picked up the phone my boyfriend was crying and staying “I’m sorry.” The next ten minutes were spent with the both of us trying to calm down. The remainder of our conversation was talking and a few more panic attacks on my side, but no more repeats of earlier. After that we went to bed.
So, anyone have any comments or advice? Especially as to how I can calm down more easily and not lose it again? That’s only the second one I’ve had this year but I really don’t want to keep have this happening. The small panic attacks I can deal with but I really hate when it gets to the point where I start screaming/sobbing.
Seriously, anyone have anything to say on this? Please?
6 comments
I have had anxiety attacks before, but they’re very different from yours, because they usually have an external cause that I can avoid. Mine usually come in social settings (parties, especially) or after someone says something very triggering for me. I usually have trouble breathing and I have this immense crushing feeling in my chest that often leads me to cry from how much pain I feel. When I feel them coming on, I have to leave the situation that caused them and take a walk (outside is best), or sometimes (if I’m on my own) type out my feelings in a long stream-of-consciousness sort of thing that can actually be pretty cathartic and often offset the feeling. I’m not sure if these things could help you, but they might.
I do have a friend whose issues are closer to yours; when she started seeing a therapist and taking meds, she started doing a lot better. Is therapy an option for you?
I’d like therapy to be, but I would have no way to pay for it.
You don’t have insurance?
I don’t believe so. I know my mom just got insurance, but I don’t think it covers me.
Someone was telling me today about free counseling services that are available in my city…there might be some in yours, too. Run a Google search and see if anything comes up if you’re interested–just “Free counseling services -city-“–see what happens.
There are free counseling services, and also there are some online, such as the Samaritans at metanoia.org,
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/samaritans.htm