There’s this woman who I’ve always been attracted to, and years ago she was attracted to me but I was too dense to realize it and blew it. I pursued her a few years later, but was doomed to fail because her best friend had it for me. And I was probably still socially retarded. Probably still am, if not quite as much.
So I married this best friend even though she was a *****, since it didn’t occur to me happiness was something within the realm of possibility. Now I’ve nearly finished divorcing her. I never stopped loving her best friend; the first woman. I need her help just to have someone to talk to (about this, my being fired from 2 jobs in 6 months, my chronic physical pain, my many social failings), but she of course refused, saying any attempt to put her in the middle would result in her siding with my soon-to-be-ex-wife. There’s no doubt she knows I intend to kill myself; I certainly alluded to it and she’s no stranger to the subject, she just thinks it’s worth the risk to not talk to me.
Did I mention she’s getting serious with this other guy, who’s exactly like me? The first guy she’s ever been serious with, at the age of 26? And she’s moving in with him and carrying his baby? (although she isn’t yet showing and I’m not supposed to know, I’m just a sick, sneaky bastard)
So I can’t do anything until my divorce is totally finalized, because then it will be more difficult for my wife to take my son from me if I so happen to live. But that would only happen if this woman manages to talk me down. But at this point I don’t even want to be stopped. Though I do want — need — her to try. And if she does, it’ll probably work, if I feel I can trust her not to tell my wife. But that’s a huge “if.” So why call if I don’t want to be stopped? I guess it’s just a call I want to make before I die. It’s one I can only make when I am about to die.
Yeah, I mentioned I have a son. He’s my only reason to live. I know what you’re thinking. I’m ashamed to admit that as much as I love him, he isn’t enough anymore. Especially with me losing him for half the time. I’m in too much pain. My life insurance will take better care of him than I ever could. (yes, it pays out in suicide)
So after the divorce, one night when I am feeling particularly awful and it won’t disrupt things as much (like, he’s staying at his mom for a few days), I’ll get into my car, drive into the middle of nowhere (I’m at the outermost ring of suburbs, plenty of country roads beyond) and send her a message. I’ll say I never had an agenda, I only needed her help, but now it’s too late. And ask her to forgive me and herself. I’ll wait an hour. If I’ve heard nothing or she chooses to be hurtful again, or I don’t feel I can trust her, I’ll pour a bottle of pure calcium polysulfide into a bucket of highly acidic toilet bowl cleaner and die instantly. I can’t wait. I’m writing here because I’m so excited for it to be over that I had to tell someone.
5 comments
where can you get the supplies for the method you’re using?
so wait lemme get this straight, you gonna drink that mixture yeah? are you sure you’ll die instantly so you want be in agony as you’re dying?
if you’re not 100% sure, i’d say get a backup plan, i’ll give you 2.
ligature asphyxiation (don’t tie the ligature so tight you can’t breathe)
CO2 poisoning.
so basically you put a plastic bag over your head, ready with a belt to tighten it, then place a ligature quite high on your neck so you block the carotids. wrap it around your neck a few times though and use a double knot so it doesn’t undo itself.
then slide the bag down quickly (make sure it has no air in it) and tighten it.
i’m so sorry your life has been harsh. i wishyou could live for your son and i do honestly wish you luck in your divorce. what will happen if you get your son for more than halfthe time per year or wahtever? not sure how this stuff works but what ifyou have him most the time with you. doesyour son love you? it sounds likeyou love your son.
please, try not to kill yourself, wait and see what good can come. and if that first woman isn’t smart enough to realize how important she is to you, then she ain’t worth it! but i know you feel like she is… if i knew her i’d talk some sense into her…
My friend, I feel your pain, I see what has been done to you, I have read your story and all the information between the lines. You are a giver, and they sleep better, but those who take eat better.
I have been in nightmares my life also, I served in many countries and did things I regret now. But life is a message and sometimes it is in bottle… You need to wait and sit out the time, cause your choices have made it this way.
When certain choices have made you come to this point, then you need to take responsibility for this, your mistakes made are printed out in the second paragraph. You thought happiness was not something to seriously consider? You marry a ***** and you knew it BEFORE you said YES that she was a *****.
So, man up, you made a Love Slip up, and you extended it a little and have offspring now. It says that love can manifest in strange ways, but it does not say anywhere that this is a perfect ingredient for suicidal ideas.
It is my duty to say to you that there are 999 solutions for this problem, instead of looking at that one extreme solution. Do not even think about putting a women in a situation where she can make out if you Die or Life. This is not how you fix things.
If you need a talk lmk
“Man up” is the worst possible thing you can say to a suicidal person. It dismisses their pain and shames them. A person who dies by suicide is a suicide victim, murdered by their pain and what it does to the mind. We do not blame the victim in tragedy.
Thank you, Whisper4321. Where I live, divorced parents share legal custody of the children unless there was abuse. As for physical custody (how often he is with whom), child support kicks in at 45% and lower. Not that that’s even a factor in my fight for him; that’s just the law.
And I wish you could talk some sense into her. It would mean so much to have help from a friend in any of this. I just don’t have anyone I can be vulnerable with.
I don’t think any of my friends have been a shoulder to cry on in their lives. Even my best friend, another woman (totally and completely platonic) didn’t say anything when I talked about how depressed I was; that I wasn’t sleeping or eating.
Sebastior, the combination I listed creates hydrogen sulfide gas. Dearlybeloved, that should be all the information you need to find the details. I do believe in “suicide rights,” as it were. People should have access to what they need. I ask you to keep trying for one more day, however. Exhaust every other option, even the ones you don’t like. That’s what I’ve tried to do for my son. I even knew this woman would most likely refuse me and tell my wife all about it even though I had begged her not to (she did), but I owed it to my son to try.