I’ve posted here before, a couple of times. This time though… I’m not sure if I’m going to make it. This year, I knew something was up, on the eve of my 20th birthday I felt more regret, dispair and suicidal than I ever had before. Since then, I seem to be living in constant paranoid fear, regretting everything I’ve done in the past. It feels as though I can no longer excape. Yesterday I started planning my suicide, I have never done this before. I planned to write a suicide note, post ‘goodbyes and sorrys’ on every website I am a member of and to walk to a local bridge, and jump off it. It seems the least harmful to others. I keep crying, feeling guilty for the hurt I’m going to inflict on my friends and especially my family should I do it, but there feels no way out. The only other way is to run away, change my name and start life somewhere, probably abroad.
This is such utter drama/so melodromatic that I feel ashamed. I don’t want to hurt my family, they don’t deserve it. I don’t want to miss my university graduation in November. I don’t want to be the person they talk about in choked/hushed tones “she killed herself, I wish I could have done something-“. I don’t want to be here any more though. I know I’m a coward and a selfish one at that, but I just can’t spend another night pacing, cursing myself. I can’t spend any more days physically sick and in pain from worry and paranoia. It’s killing me.
I’m not looking for sympathy. I don’t expect any. I know many people deal with these kinds of feelings and perservere, changing their lives and themselves. I know if I put in more effort I could probably do it but it feels like I’m too exhausted. I just can’t generate any good emotions.
I am a selfish git.
I keep hurting myself. Not cutting but bashing my head into things. It doesn’t make me feel better or improve a situation, but I do it anyway. It makes me feel even more like an idiot.
I just wish I could stop feeling so petrified, I’ve never suffered from anxiety before this year. I want to stop wanting to walk out in front of fast traffic or to fall off of bridges. It’s crazy but it won’t get out of me.
I’m gunna try and convince myself not to do it, but I worry so much. Paranoia is so powerful, I have so much more sympathy for people suffering from anxiety. It’s even more powerful than depression for me. Depression makes me want to die, but sucks out my willpower and energy to do it. Anxiety makes me want to die, but increases my energy and willpower with adrenaline.
Thanks for listening to my crazy ramblings.
3 comments
Aw. Dw about it I feel the exact as you do. Do your parents or any of your friends now about this? because you could always tell them and they could help you (only if you want the help of course) but be careful for who you tell because i’ve done a lot of suicide attempts and self harm in my life time and my parents don’t shut up about it. So only tell someone you can trust. Or you can talk to me if you want by email or something (but you don’t have to if you don’t want to) sorry if this didn’t make sense
not a problem. and I don’t think you’re crazy at all.
all of us have stress overwhelming us from time to time. reading you bash your head into things makes me think you’re extremely frustrated about some things you want to resolve peacefully.
if, by some chance, (and believe me, it happens) you did suicide and it was a failed attempt, you might condemn yourself to a much more crueler fate with medical-related pain and suffering. I did suicide and I succeeded, it’s just that I was revived fast enough (it was too dark for me to see somebody was around after all) and I didn’t suffer from brain damage and paralysis. After a few months, life became easier to breathe. I consider myself lucky. What if my rescue was a bit late? then I’d be a living vegetable without even the capacity to move anymore.
do try to look for a counselor who can listen and help you. Don’t think that you’re weird or abnormal. You’re keeping too much inside. DON’T confide to a family member just yet. I know how it feels, the anxiety that my loved ones might just “pooh-pooh” away my pain inside, telling me that I’m just making it all up.
I hate to say this, since even I think it’s so demeaning, but ever tried to have any tranquilizers? Your counselor can find a doctor if your anxiety caused you to have an artificial chemical imbalance. Heck, I’m an ADHD who acquired bi-polar depression. I don’t take prescribed medicine for my ADHD, but I have to admit, I knew I needed help when it came to my acquired bi-polar anxiety. Chemical imbalance is not really mental, but it affects your feelings HARD. It’s like my hormones changes almost weekly.
You can also breathe a bit easier with a few hours of scenic change. Like go to the zoo and appreciate wildlife. it doesn’t matter if you do go solo. I usually go solo myself.
Just remember to appreciate even the little bits of beauty around you. You don’t have to go ga-ga over a simple little flower you see on the sidewalk, but do take note of it.
You’re actually much more sane than I was when I was suicidal. I never had a second thought when I suicide.. never said goodbye to anyone at all… just chose the least painful way to do it and just did it. and… I consider it a godsend that even though it was midnight, somebody was nearby to see me die and rescue me. at least, I still have the complete functions of my brain and body….
Wow honey, you really do sound like you have a lot going for you! I have never asked this before because it usually seems trite, but… Have you seen a professional therapist? Maybe something chemical is going on and can be helped with some medication? If you haven’t please give it a try, I think you are worth it.