I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety for about 10 years. I’m up and down but have been controlling it fairly successfully with paxil for the last few years. Suicide is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time, but I couldn’t ever ever hurt my family that way. About 2 months ago I started getting moderate to severe headaches every day. I have a very stressful job and not being able to work because of the headaches only makes it worse. I’m ambitious and I feel like I’m going nowhere at work. Anyway, today I’ve been fantasizing about ways to commit suicide. So far I’ve day dreamed oding on the codeine I’ve been given for headaches, electrocution, stabbing myself in the stomach, slitting my wrists. I’m desperate and lonely. I feel like I’m stuck. I don’t know what to do to get out of this funk. Where do I find the hope and motivation to just get through everyday when I feel like I’m just wasting time 40hours a week and my head is splitting 24/7.
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Fantasizing about committing suicide is very normal. In some way it even relaxes the mind, it gives you the feeling you can vent some aggression or sadness out of your head without having to border anyone.
I did it last night, and the closer I come to reality, the more I see what I leave behind. First step is to give yourself time. If you already made up your mind, living a few more weeks would not make it worse right?
You ask in the almost last line of your story where to find the hope? I can say, it is in the supermarket, row 5, and it is on discount now! But you would probably not do the trouble to take this short cut.
Hope is what you give yourself. Give yourself a little time to reconsider if you wish to continue another 10 years with this, or you need to change your life. Do not make it us impossible by saying you have this already 10 years, we should start thinking about Painkiller treatment instead of cutting out the source?? If you do this for ten years, you might like it to make your life complex as possible, or your dealing with something that is dealing with YOU for ten years now.
Use of medication and other narcotic substances make : Thinking about death : very common. How did you managed this for ten years, are you willing to do this another ten years, what does it take to make you stop this self tormenting life?
Besides killing yourself, that should always be a LAST resort, what have you done to change your life yourself?
I wish i could say that I have a terrible story that life has beaten and drug me down for 10 years and that’;s why I feel this way, but I really don’t. On paper, my life is idyllic. I really have no right or reason to be depressed. which makes it harder, because i just don’t understand why i feel this way. In the past when I had a severe depressive episode I made a list of things that I had to do each day to make myself feel better… eat my vegetables, sleep regular hours, exercise etc. and it worked. But the headaches have completely grounded me. I’m nauseous so I don’t feel like eating, I sleep as much as I can because its the only thing that makes it better and even the slightest elevation in my blood pressure (ie walking 3 flights of stairs) causes a pounding pain that’s unbearable. I can’t think straight because I’m in pain all of the time. I have felt this bad (severely depressed) in the past, but not for a while, not since i made my list, but now the headaches and the stress at work are breaking me. I feel like I’m slowly, painfully loosing my mind.
I go to see a neurologist in august. Part of me is hoping that they are caused by a brain tumor so that I can die and have it over with