hidden by fake smiles

hi, I really dont know what to put, err how to word it is more correct. I am not a big talker on my problems n of what my reactions are to them but I saw this page off of a website i just read n well i thought id give it a try. You can say i am suicidal, and you can say i am not.  i will say i really dont know myself  if  i am.

My life has been basically faked to most of the world, good dad, sweet mom, nice older brother, happy go lucky daughter. the usual type of “family” as you can say.

Well what people dont know is my “good” dad has been doing everything in his power to cripple me, r anything that would get me outta his house n far away. I guess you can say he is what started me thinking about killing myself, but i dont want to put all the blame on him, i mean if i wasn’t born he wouldn’t be like that, but having me smash my head on concrete (4 yrs old) doesn’t help.

My “sweet” mom, as everyone calls her, can and is classified as a social path, she has done everything to keep our “family” the happy all for it family, the beatings hidden, the cries for help giving to deaf ears , maybe if she had stopped what Richard did in time it probably would have help me but i dont know because it never happened, cant change the past anyway.

“Nice” brother is more as the “your my punching bag so deal with it” brother. i cant really say much on him because i dont wanna be mistaken as a girl who just hates her older brother, but all i am going to say is that these beatings usually have me going to get x-rays.

Ahhh now we have come to the “happy go lucky” daughter, who has faked almost every smile her whole life.  She has been beating, kicked, and ignored her whole life, now before you think she is just a little girl who is just spoiled and ect i ask you just read this till the end then judge her. (and yes the girl is me)

I dont know what started the suicidal thoughts but  I do know i have had them for a long time, sometimes i go to sleep with a knife in my hand or a suicide note, of course i haven’t committed  suicide because then I wouldn’t be able to type this.  But i have had may close calls, sitting on the edge of a bridge (thinking of how easy it would be to just “slip” off), staring down the barrel of a gun, and ect. And every time i do have a close call it becomes harder to walk away.

I will say yes some are spur of the moment but others have been going threw my head for a week or more, as of now I’ve had the thought of what would be easy to just end it all, the beatings, the put-downs and ect, and i must say its hard to stop of thinking of ways.

Now imma tell you a little about what goes on in my house so you can see why i think of ending it. lets say this is an average day for me. I get woken up by getting dragged outta my bed (4 am) because my dad was mad, having my room torn apart in one of his fits, having almost everything broken and thrown away. Getting hit until i fall down, usually with a belt or anything he can grab, and then beat with it while my mom runs to the door n watches. While this has been going on my brother would have been woken up by the loud noises and my crying.(5-5 30 am) thus causing him to yell for me to shut up and other things i wish not to remember. Now after a while my dad “calms” down and gets in his truck and leaves, giving me just enough time to look for my school things, put on my uniform, and go wait for the bus. (7 am) Get to school and getting called to the counselor because of the bruises left.

Now you might think i lied to them and say oh this is from that and this but i didn’t, i told them what happened, which led to a call to my parents…they would talk to my mom, mom would be surprised, say i lied, and act like i either did that to myself or might have ran into something. in the end they believed her, told me that that is not a type of prank to pull, and told me go back to class. having to smile, put up a happy front for the school, teachers, and friends really is hard when all you want to do is cry. (4pm) getting home and being out into the same position as the morning.

Now thats a run down of the nice days, and thats all im willing to put.

Now to say i am suicidal, i dont know as i said before, i have been pointed out as one by some people, and others think im just sick in the head.  Now to say if i ever will kill myself? i hope not i mean if i lived 17 years threw this and have not i hope i can make it one more year and then another year after and so on. but sometimes it just gets way to hard to handle. As anyone knows only so many people can bear only so much until they break.

I would like to write more but it is 2:40 am and i need to get some rest but before i publish this i will say this house has calmed down some after something bad happened, which i might write later, idk i still wish i can just forget the memories and act like nu thing happnd. but i think what is helping me more is hardly coming to this house and having gotten outta school at 16.

well good night…errr morning and hope to live another day